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You are a liar, you must die!

August 16, 2013 46 comments
Courtesy of Bing image

Courtesy of Bing image

I don’t know what kind of woman Eve was, but it wouldn’t surprise me if she had similar zero tolerance policy against lying like my wife. White, grey, black, green, purple…no color bias here, it’s all the same, lie is a lie and I must pay the price of…ummm…near death!

Many years ago my wife and I had a fiery argument over this topic. The zero tolerance policy is too strict and I feel it’s impossible to have a good healthy relationship that’s based on full disclosure of EVERYTHING and 100% pure truth on EVERYTHING. She vehemently hate liars with so much anger and vitriol its shocking to see such lovely peace loving princess transform in to a She-Hulk at the hint of lying.
In her world white lies and non-white lies should be treated the same, and punishable to the maximum penalty while staying inside the legal bound.

I tell her that I’m sticking to my core principles and I’m going to continue lying and forget mundane things on regular basis for as long as I’m alive.

My take on lying is, as long as it’s done tastefully and in good judgment with good intention, it can be an important tool for romance, excitement, laugh, and surprise.  I told her I believe in miracles and white lies. She said b.s. and called me a compulsive liar, and I accused her of being a hateful vile person. So we had our first real fight, it was our epic Marriage War I. She threw everything at me such as, the bible, Oprah articles, psychology articles, Dr.Phil, Judge Judy, etc… while I simply spoke from the heart.lol
In the end, the peace treaty was signed in the form of hugs, kisses, & Belgian chocolates. I just want to take this time out to tell the world why I’m a compulsive liar and why it’s required to hold my marriage together. In fact I don’t even call it white lies, my wife and I now call it “pieux mensonge” per the peace treaty article 7 section 2(b), because French language has a way of turning everything into romance and love. As long as the word ‘lie’ is omitted from our conversation, my wife will stay in her human form.

  1.  Most common form of pieux mensonge is when I leave out certain details of the conversation that my wife is having issues with because, I honestly forgot about it. I have superior ability to forget things that I perceive to be irrelevant. Sadly there are too many things that my wife does consider to be relevant and I just can’t keep up. 7 out of 10 times, I truly don’t recall things. It’s a pieux mensonge because even when I’m telling the truth, it still turns into a lie.
  2. Wife asks these questions: Do I look good in these? Can you see the panty line in these? Do they make my boobs look too big? Does this belt work with this necklace? I almost never tell the truth to any of these questions. Sometimes I just love the way she looks and I certainly don’t want her to change out just because she is afraid of some would-be weirdo. But the main reason why I lie is so we can get going and not show up 1hour late to our destination, one outfit change equates to 1hour delay … pieux mensonge the situation and move out.
  3. Can you tell I’ve been gaining weight? …no need to explain this one
  4. My wife thought it would be okay to let my kids play with my garage tools. I come home one day and to my horror I see my youngest digging a hole with my Snap-on torque wrench!!!!!!!…ugggggggg…I was withholding a lot of information and comment that day. Is there anybody in the world that’s prepared to “handle the truth” after such gross negligence?
  5. Bought her a 1oz silver American eagle coin for Valentine’s Day and talked about its beauty and health benefit. I left out important reason…it had better resale value than flowers and candies. The resale feature didn’t seem appropriate and romantic for the moment…pieux mensonge.
  6. Wife asks if she looks better with long hair or short, I always say short. She thinks it’s odd because everybody else around her thinks she looks great with long hair. I lie about this because she looks gorgeous with her long flowing hair. But her long hair gets EVERYWHERE. It can cover the floors, counter, clean laundry, bathtubs, & sinks. If I tell the truth, she will never cut it short, ever.
  7. Wife and kids thought the Disney vacation was fun and we should do it again. I honestly hated it because of the crowd, heat, humidity, mosquitoes, & infinite distractions for our kids. It was difficult to hold everything inside of me because I knew I can potentially turn this $5k lovely family vacation into trip from hell if I opened up my mouth. I lied, “yeah it was good, glad everybody had a good time.”
  8. “Cleaning people are coming tomorrow, you have to come home early so you can help me clean.” Her cleaning crew means a lot to her so I’m not even going to tell her the truth about what I really think about the double cleaning duty.

As horrible as it might sound, I also lie to my kids, but my wife sure seems to get a kick out of it.lol

  1. “Daddy what is a penis?” This was an incident after a boy in his class got thrown out for repeatedly saying the word, ‘penis’. I explained to him that “pee-in-this” is not appropriate, that’s why the boy got thrown out. I asked my boys, “Where should you pee-in if you have to go?” and my smart boys responded with, “ the bathroom”
  2. If I’m spending over $100 to take the family to Thomas and Friends train park, I want everybody to have a good time. So when my boys said, “Daddy, that’s not real Thomas the train, his eyes are not moving and he is not talking”. I lie to them and say Thomas is simply sleeping with his eyes open. To that they ask, “then how can he move along the track?” to which I reply, “because he is sleeping, the driver has to drive him”

And my biggest pieux mensonge of all, Santa Claus and friends. The reason why I lie about these characters is because I love my cute little innocent kids do cute little innocent things in their innocent world. They will have plenty of opportunity to deal with hard truths and reality in few more years, so why not let them live a happy beautiful fairy-tale imagination that feel so real that you can almost touch it. It’s a whole new level of excitement when they believe some mythical characters could have been real, or is real. Their little eyes light up and their smile get so big you can see their missing tooth gap.lol

  1. “Is Santa Claus real?” “Yes, and he is planning on bringing you something very cool this year, too!” I lie on this topic because the trade-off is worth it. I have such beautiful memories of my kids staring out the window on Christmas Eve and listening in on their private conversation between the two of them. It’s something so adorable and innocent that it needs to be witnessed to fully appreciate. I also have memories where they try to stay up for Santa, and the incredible struggle to keep themselves up all night. You know when their heads sway side to side and eventually topple over.lol I will milk this Santa lie for as long as I can. Lately my oldest has been dealing with some pushback from other older boys in the neighborhood saying, Santa isn’t real. I sat my boy down and I said this to him, “there are people that believe in Santa and there are people that don’t believe in Santa” It’s something you should not argue over with friends but just know this, kids that believe in Santa clause always get one extra special present. Kids that don’t believe in Santa will always get one less. It’s your choice to believe in Santa or not believe in him. Yep, I lie through my teeth on this one.
  2. Older kids say leprechaun isn’t real: Sure they are, where do you think gold coins come from? To that they devise a plan to capture some of leprechaun‘s gold. Supposedly the young one will be the one distracting the leprechaun with his sno-cone machine, while the older one uses his red wagon to haul out the gold coins.lol
  3. Did fire breathing dragons exist? Sure they did, it was a very large pterodactyl that can breathe volatile chemical components from their snout or their mouth, similar to some other creatures that exists today that can project fiery chemical mix.

There is no doubt lying is bad under most circumstances. But there are certain things that are said, or purposely left out because you love someone. I would have no problem telling the 100% pure truth if I didn’t care about the individual. I don’t know about you folks, but I can’t just tell it like it is to people I deeply care about. I can’t imagine being happy with my life if I answered all those above examples with 100% truth. It would turn me into a grumpy, depressing, anti-social, & boring father and a husband. Grumpy old men are probably the best truth telling people around.
My closing for the peace treaty went something like this, which would you rather live with?
1. Grumpy, anti-social, angry man that always tells the truth and nothing but the truth
2. Happy, fun, social man full of loving pieux mensonge.

“Baby, I will pieux mensonge to you forever and ever because I love you”…that is HOT!

Categories: children, family, humor, wife

Quest for perfect Valentine gift

February 14, 2013 29 comments

 

Fabio valentine courtesy of Bing image

Fabio valentine courtesy of Bing image

Fabio has nothing on me when it comes to Valentine’s day.

I’ve been doing lots of R&D on the most ideal Valentine day gift which I would like to share.  Here are the boundary conditions that must be met in order for the gift to be considered ideal.

  1.  Shiny is good
  2. Smells good
  3. Tastes good
  4. Feels good
  5. Have good recycled value once the event is over
  6. Under $50

This is a pretty good check list because it applies to most of the classic gifts that exchanges hands during Valentine’s day.  Let’s think about the two classic choices, chocolate & roses.

Chocolate accomplishes items 2, 3, 4, &6 really well.  It barely passes condition#1 with its shiny laminated box, but it is a complete failure when it comes to accomplishing item #5.  Unless you are into natural fertilizer for your herb garden or into methane powered microprocessor robots, it turns into a complete waste once you are done with it.

Dozen roses, or flowers, are good too, it accomplishes items 2, 3, 4, & 6, but it falls short with the other two qualifiers.  It’s not shiny, but it does edge out Chocolate on item #5.  I think these stay alive for several days longer than it takes for a box of chocolates to be fully consumed and digested.

So the big question is this, IS THERE A PERFECT GIFT that nails ALL the conditions  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, & 6? I think I may have found it…a silver bullion/coin is the perfect valentine gift; a full 1oz silver American eagle coin is the answer.  Let’s review,

It is very shiny…check

Pure silver smells pretty good…check

Pure silver tastes pretty good and possibly good for your health, too.  You can also take advantage of silver’s anti bacteria property by leaving the silver coin in your favorite drinking cup…check

Feels good: come on, who doesn’t feel good holding a giant silver coin…check

Have good recycled value: I think I read somewhere silver has gained over 600% in the last 20years.  Plus it can be handed down to your kids/grandkids.

Under $50: it’s at $37.87, YAY!

I’m heading over to a pawn shop to pickup the perfect Valentine gift, how about you?

Happy Valentine’s day everybody 🙂

Categories: family, humor, wife

Hippo Christmas song and Brenda Lee

December 10, 2012 36 comments

Going to start off by saying, Gangnam style song has NOTHING on these two songs I’m going to talk about!

My last music related blog was about Guns N Roses, so I thought it’s time to do another music blog.  There are couple of songs that’s been humming in my brain for some time now, its the holidays, and you can say these are couple of my favorite things 🙂

I’ve been listening to lots of Christmas tunes lately and there is one song that’s an absolute smash hit with my two little boys. Song is called ‘I want a hippopotamus for Christmas’. It makes me laugh just reading the title. Every time this song plays on the radio, we all sing along to it and we also add our own little twist to it.

My version: replace all the “I” with “My naughty boys” and replace all “hippopotamus” with “lump of coal”

My boys’ version: replace all hippopotamus with any Thomas&friends stuff, T-rex, Rhinoceros, Ninjago, etc…

Just how powerful is this holiday song? My boys could, once again, easily destroy another one of my electronic gadgets in an accident, but if the song comes on, I can’t help but to smile and sing the coal version of the song!

Some people think the hippo song was sung by Shirley Temple, or that it was sung by a much older person pretending to be a kid.  The truth is, the song was recorded on the set of Ed Sullivan show in 1953 by an amazing 10yr old talent named Gayla Peevey. Check out the video and tell me you are not impressed by her spunk, & talent. Love the song and love the video.

Now that brings us to “Sweet Nothings” by Brenda Lee. I know I’m probably sounding like a senior citizen raving about all these golden oldies, but when quality is involved, there is no age gap! Brenda Lee is one of my all time favorite artists and this is my favorite song from her. It’s hard to go back to listening to the modern stuff after listening to this type of music. I love her voice and her stage presentation. Wish I could have seen this performance live…so simple…so mellow.

How about you folks? Care to share some of your favorite things? 🙂

Categories: children, family, humor, music

Wanted Caddyshack DVD but ended up with a lab microscope instead

September 23, 2012 31 comments

This sums it up

Here is a quick summary paragraph if you don’t care about all the details.  This blog is about how I ended up purchasing a super discounted lab grade microscope because a blogger reminded me how badly I wanted to watch Caddyshack (popular 80s movie).

My incident with sale sites such as Ebay and Amazon is legendary, when my wife is out of town.  Those that follow my blog probably know about my 1973 Swedish military truck purchase and the carbon fiber wheelset purchase.   Yesterday started out innocent enough.  My wife is out of town and I’m out of town with my 2 boys, for a nice quiet weekend getaway.  Earlier in the week, I started having conversation over some 80’s movies.  It’s really hard to stop an 80’s discussion when it was such a nostalgic period for me.  Long story short, the conversation concluded with an urgency and a burning need to watch Caddyshack, ASAP.

My quest started with my local RedBox movie rental box on the way to the vacation…unfortunately, Caddyshack was not available.

I also checked the local grocery store near the hotel.  Luckily, they were having a big sale on all the old DVD movies! But, unfortunately, no Caddyshack showed up even after about 45minutes of probing and flipping through bottomless pit of old unwanted DVDs.  By then my two little boys were pissed at me for wasting their pool time…lol.  No biggie, I can always sign up for Hulu or Netflix and watch it when kids go down for bed…so I thought.

Kids had a wonderful pool time, fried chicken dinner, and ice-creamy (that what they call a good tasting ice cream).  Woo hoo, they went to bed and it was my time to fly!

I rush to get the laptop and my headset, lunge into my comfy bed, and I start putting all the pillows together to build a man-throne, I was set!

hurry…quickly…hulu+[cntrl & enter]…sign up for membership…search Caddyshack.  Damn! They only had trailers of the movie!

hurry…quickly…netflix+[cntrl & enter]…sign up for membership…search Caddyshack.  Double damn!! Bunch of golf swing videos and no Caddyshack the movie!

On to Bing search for ‘watch Caddyshack movie’.  Among all the questionable sites and torrents, I see a one result that was simply heavenly.  Amazon.com came up, I clicked on it, and sure enough they have streaming service, too!  Lucky me I am already a long time Amazon member, and $2.99 for 48hour streaming rental was very reasonable.

Everything was all downhill after that.  Time was 10:30pm and I figure I’ll just peruse through their deal page for few minutes.

Folks let me tell you about the deal they had on Amazon…it was a $1200 microscope that was on sale at over 80% off!  I had a few thoughts,

  1.  I didn’t know a microscope was so expensive
  2. I bet it will be fun to see what is in my drinking water
  3. I better buy it before it sells out

Followed by reasoning phase,

  1.  Why do I need a professional level microscope when a professional level water analysis is only $20?
  2. It’s huge and weights over 10lbs, where can I put it?
  3. What would the wife say when she finds out?

And lastly, the justification phase,

  1.  I need it because it can do more than just look at drinking water.  Maybe I can find a cure for certain blood disorder, or at least look at a fish tail when it gets ich disease.
  2. Well…we do have the dining room that never gets used.  I can probably put it on the corner of the table and nobody would even know it’s there.
  3. Maybe she’ll be proud I’m making positive progress buying things on Amazon and Ebay.  It’s probably better than the old 1973 Swedish military vehicle and all the carbon fiber goodies for my bicycle.  Microscope is educational and maybe it will encourage our boys to become a brain surgeon or a neuro-scientist, because their daddy took the heat for the microscope and stood up for their future! [insert ‘U.S.A…U.S.A’ chant here]

It was about 12am by the time the microscope was in the shopping cart and I’m thoroughly going through every single review on the scope.  I was really hoping to find the one comment that would explain why this thing was 83% off and why I need to back out of the deal.  Every reviewer was in full agreement that this scope does EVERYTHING.

The biggest coincident occurred when I got a reply comment from the same blogger that basically paved the way for me to get this microscope, reply comment came as I was putting my credit card info in the checkout box.  I had a chuckle with her explanation for this purchase on a whim,

‘THE ultimate man reason…. “because it was on sale” hahaha doesn’t matter WHAT it is….’

Christina is a wonderful blogger and she loves her Caddyshack and Spaceballs.  Check out her blogsite @

http://reconstructingchristina.com/

She asked if I saw the movie yet and it dawned on me, it was now about 1am and I was SUPPOSE to watch Caddyshack hours ago!  All I wanted to do for the evening was purchase the Caddyshack rental for $2.99, but somehow I ended up with a Lab LED Binocular Compound Microscope with Double Layer Mechanical Stage.

You guys are probably thinking the exact same thing I’m thinking right now; there is something wrong with this society when it’s so much easier to buy a lab grade microscope over one of the greatest comedy movies of all time…lol

My road trip back home should be interesting.  I have to train the boys to say the “right” thing. Three of us need to have a consistent story when mommy finds out whats in that brown smiley box from Amazon.  I will also make my wife a nice soothing Lipton tea, when the box arrives.  Did I mention I bundled the Lipton purchase with my microscope purchase?  144count tea bags for $3.99, it was 79% off 🙂

Not losing any more focus, this weekend isn’t over yet, and I will watch Caddyshack this evening!

Categories: children, family, humor, wife

Pays to look like a woman when you are a woman

September 10, 2012 36 comments

One of the sports I follow very closely is a sport of MMA (mixed martial art), so when I hear Ken Shamrock in the news I was excited.  There is just two things you need to know about Mr. Shamrock 1) his ring name is “World’s most dangerous man”, well, he used to be.  2) He is a formal heavyweight champion of the UFC and Pancrase.  In other words, you do not want to mug this guy no matter how desperate you are.

So Ken is walking down the street minding his own business when he spots a damsel getting assaulted.  He goes in to break up the fight when he gets jumped from behind by a heavyset man.  The guy that jumped him probably didn’t realize Ken was a professional fighter because Ken basically man-handled him and “incapacitated” the heavyset guy.

It isn’t until one of the spectators yell out, “Ken, you just hit a girl!”  Upon closer look, indeed, he was a she…Ken immediately backed off.  He later apologized and said, “It was an honest mistake”.  I sure hope Ken doesn’t lose his house over this incident 😦

Here is the link to the news article,

http://www.tmz.com/2012/08/23/ken-shamrock-fight-mall-attack-woman-ufc/#ixzz24QXJkZfG

Categories: humor

Strange observation this morning

August 16, 2012 60 comments

courtesy of Bing imagecourtesy of Bing image

I’m getting my donut and coffee this morning at Dunkin Donuts when I notice something you don’t see every day.  A lady in semi clothed swimsuit pulls up in her min-van, greets a guy, and they both get in his Maserati.  Her vehicle was an older beatup looking red Dodge Caravan, probably worth about $4,000.  His car was a newer looking Maserati GranTurismo, probably worth about $150,000.

Now I can be as male chauvinistic as the next guy, but I thought this was quite unjust.  Guys, I know we can be such a selfish cheap bastard sometimes, but you got to take care of your matriarch.  If you can afford to drive a $150,000 sports car, at least get your wife a top-of-the-line Odyssey or Sienna!  Don’t be such a penny-pincher when you can afford not to be!  I know I should not judge people and maybe I should simply assume the Dodge is their beater car while HER Maserati is in a repair shop, but I find that scenario hard to believe.  Other than that, donut and coffee was pretty good 🙂

Categories: auto, humor, wife

Why the heck am I blogging anyway?

August 10, 2012 84 comments

See this little picture here? It’s a figure of my blog traffic for this week.  You would think most bloggers would give me a “gratz” for the one peak you see there.  Unfortunately, that one peak is basically somebody flipping me the bird…lol.  I’ve been sparsely blogging for about 6 months, and I’ve received about 10-12 personal emails that range anything from weird, graphical, odd, beautiful, & inspirational.  BUT….I’ve also received some negative emails, too.  It’s not the occurrence of the negative emails that’s got me thinking, it’s the pattern of the occurrence.

I was at a ball park on the evening when I had a spike in my blog traffic.  I’m standing in line to purchase some beer and pretzels when I notice the spike.  At that moment I’m thinking, “Oh damn, what did I do now…”  And sure enough, about 25minutes later, I get the negative email in my account.  The email was very valid and I could see the point the emailer was making.  But at the same time it was a gross misinterpretation of my comment that caused the misunderstanding.  It’s amazing how differently a short comment can be interpreted if read in a wrong chronological order with a “glass is half empty” attitude.  Anyway, I did reach out with an olive branch and I left it at that.  The stuff I don’t understand is why a traffic spike is always associated with a negative email.  Does this happen to anybody else?

I’ve had 3 spikes like this, and they were all followed by 3 sets of negative emails, it never fails.  So, naturally, this event made me think about what I am doing in the blogging world.  Am I here to make someone’s life little sadder? Am I here to get rich? Am I here because I have nothing better to do with my time? Am I here because I’m an aspiring writer? Answers are no, no, no, and heck no.

I realized the reason why I’m here is to invest my time in people.  You hear the phrase, “there is something to be learned from every individual” It is so true!  It makes me feel like a human again, I want to look forward to what others look forward to, and feel the excitement when a fellow blogger achieves something.  All these feelings are things I would normally never experience, but it’s a human experience that makes me a better more fulfilled person.  I know that last sentence sounds cliché, so let me explain it better with some examples.  Here are my reasons to why I stay involved in this blogging world:

  • There is an individual that is about to lose his/her home, and potentially become homeless.  I want to see this person get back to stability and re-establish his/her life
  • Special someone working hard in the Carolina in which a novice writer, like me, cannot describe in words how awesome she is, but she is such a beautiful person inside and out.  I want to see her land a wonderful life-changing job or maybe marry a self-made millionaire from a guy from Isle of Man.  Why? Because there is no studdlier place than Isle of Man, that is man’s man coming out of that place!
  • Another beautiful person that’s currently living with 20+ roommates and has to get along with every single one of them.  Worst part is, they only have 1 car to share amongst them.  This person is in survival mode right now, and I pray every day this person stays alive.  Wouldn’t it be amazing if this person does survive and ends up saving lives of 1000s others who were also brutally abused and traumatized as a child?
  • That customer no service guy…lol.  This guy is such a f’in ass, but he sure has some funny stuff.  You often hear that your job affects your personality.  Can you really blame him for his personality when you are dealing with customer complaints every day? Lol.  I want to see what happens to him if he lands a different job, a better job.  Can people change their outlook in life with a different career? I want to see it.
  • Couple of young folks that I follow.  They are bright and energetic with bottomless dreams.  I want to see them grow up, get married, and write about their little children.  I want to be the uncle9911 that showers them with toys and candies and go around telling them to pull my finger…lol.   Okay that’s little creepy, but you get the idea.
  • Handful of aspiring writers waiting to release their first publication.  You better believe I’ll be in full support mode once it does get released.
  • Handful of accomplished writers.  I want to eventually read all their books.  How cool is it to read somebody’s book while understanding them at a personal level via personal blog?  And that guy who ran across America.  What did he learn, what did he see, what made him get up every day to do this crazy thing.  I’m hoping to collect these books and maybe score some complementary autograph!
  • All those single people.  They seem to have so much give, just waiting to share them with the right person.  Who isn’t a sucker for a good romantic ending?  I’ll pop a Champaign with every one of you that finds your life mate 🙂

I blog because I want to be in the middle of the action!  Its one thing to be a spectator and simply read blogs, it’s a whole new experience when you are “in the circle” and interacting with all the fellow humans 🙂

I also want to apologize to some of you for my misinterpreted comments…Can I blame it on my inner city public school education for it? It was a really bad education and I was more focused on not getting beat up than studying 😦

Categories: humor
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