Home > bicycle, family, humor, wife > Sausagefest over this person/machine (TDF celebration part2)

Sausagefest over this person/machine (TDF celebration part2)

Figure 1

Figure 1 (courtesy of Jenny Fletcher pro-triathlete)

For those that just fell off the turnip truck, world’s greatest sporting event is in full swing and it’s nearly over 😦  Yes, I am talking about the Tour de France!  What better way to celebrate than with a blog related to cycling?

There is an English slang word, “sausagefest”.  What is the definition of sausagefest, you ask? I’m not talking about the kind you experience at local state fair but it’s of something more…umm…anomalistic.  Since Mr. Webster has decided it’s not worthy of his dictionary, I will have to define it for the public.  Definition of sausage fest:

sau-sage-fest” n: An odd phenomenon that describes plurality of modern male Homo sapiens to particular location in mass.  This strange gathering is usually triggered by some sort or stimulant that seems to disrupt the homeostasis by erratic discharge of testosterone of the affected subject.  Possible known stimulants are: 1. anything that involves torque/horsepower, 2. Anything that explodes, 3. anything with wheels 3. Female subject or equivalent.  Such fantastic congregation ends up overwhelming female participant(s) within the group.  The event usually ends with no resolution and no satisfaction by all parties involved.

My wife and I are part of a weekly bicycle ride group in our area.  It’s a fairly large group consisting of 40-50 riders, predominantly male riders.  On this one particular day, we had a new member that rolled up in a STUNNINGLY gorgeous $8k (MSRP) fully decked out Orbea Ordu Time Trial bike.  The cyclist just so happened to be a really pretty young lady probably in her 20s or early 30s.  Please refer to Figure 1 for reference on the rider and the time trial bike.  She was also seriously decked out with a matching aerodynamic body suit and all the bells and whistles.  It was unfortunate she showed up for the ride by herself and no wedding ring on.  I say unfortunate because the event that happened next is something I don’t even wish on my worst enemy 😦

Can you say, “Release the Kraken” or “open the floodgate”?  It was a sausagefest of the millennium!  I’ve never seen such blatantly obvious ploy/tactic/excuse to meet the new member like that.  I counted about 9-10 isolated cyclists around the parking lot and one giant hive of cyclists around this one particular area.  You could not see the new rider, it was that dense!

My wife made a comment about how stupid they all look…lol.  Apparently she has never witnessed a sausagefest of this kind of epic proportion.  I simply told her that our overly friendly bike group is just trying to be helpful to the new rider and probably just making her feel welcome.  Most of them were trying to talk over each other and you can hear some of the ridiculous comments coming from the hive.  Comments ranged anything from the weather, road course, bicycle tune-up, proper setup of the bike, etc…  I think every single one of them offered free tune-up of her bicycle…lol.  It was obvious they were not thinking with the correct brain, because:

  1. It was picture perfect weather.  70degree F, no wind, and not a cloud in sight.
  2. Road course? It was obvious she came equipped with a bike gps with all the turn by turn programmed in.
  3. Bike tune-up? A person with an $8k bike will have her own mechanic that she trusts.  You do not trust any bloke mechanic that you just met at a parking lot.
  4. Bike setup? A bike shop that sells you the $8k bike will not let you out until it is professionally setup, usually takes hours under close video analysis.

The new girl handled it with great personality.  If anybody was touching/groping my bike like that, you better believe there will be some fists flying!

Anyway, while all that was going on I also realized there was another “forgotten” new rider in the parking lot.  Rider was a she, and ironically she also came alone and without a wedding ring.  I actually noticed her front wheel wasn’t on properly.  So I went over there to introduce myself & reassured her that I used to be a bicycle mechanic, before working on her bike.  The lady was a postal worker in her mid 40s and her bike was pretty old, it had been in storage for 15+ years!  I lifted the front end of her bike and smacked the top of her front wheel, the wheel popped off with ease.  She was very thankful that I caught the problem and offered to pay for my service.  She made one funny comment that made me laugh.  She said, “Well I’m glad she (referring to new girl#1) didn’t need all the bike mechanics from this group today…lol”

I looked at my wife and I thanked her for marrying me, thus saving me from such embarrassment.  I like to think I am better than all those guys participating in the sausagefest, but who knows?  I could have been the loudest one making the biggest fool of myself…lol  I was just so glad I wasn’t part of that and I have my wife to thank 🙂

In case you are wondering about the new girl, we never saw her again after that ride…lol

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Categories: bicycle, family, humor, wife
  1. purpleowltree1234
    July 14, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    you are the coolest sausage person ever. i love your relationship with your wife. glad she saved your ass this time. 😉 Miss D. X

    • July 14, 2012 at 1:38 pm

      lol, thanks for that comment. I think its true to say that wives really do play a huge role on prevention of dumb behaviors…lol

  2. purpleowltree1234
    July 14, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    PS that is NOT me in the pink shirt!!! D. X

    • July 14, 2012 at 1:41 pm

      miss D, I think you look fine in pink or goth 🙂
      but you would look amazing on the $8k orbea…lol

      • purpleowltree1234
        July 14, 2012 at 1:46 pm

        LOL!!!!!!!! that’s my best laugh in ages. thanks. 😀 D. X

        • July 14, 2012 at 3:05 pm

          haha, I guess there was some value to reading this blog.

  3. July 14, 2012 at 9:44 pm

    Vive le Tour!

    • July 14, 2012 at 9:48 pm

      oh hell yeah!! My life is pretty much shut down for month of July..lol.

      • July 14, 2012 at 9:51 pm

        So is mine. I’ll probably gain 500 pounds this month. 😉 I love how thankful you are for your wife.

        • July 14, 2012 at 9:56 pm

          lol, gotta love Tour de France fans, I’ve never met one I didn’t like 🙂 It was one of the requirements for my wife..hahaha. Its ironic that I don’t get out and ride much during month of July. I still have all my duties as a husband/father and still gotta watch all the stages from start to end. Only thing I can give up is my ride time 😦

  4. July 15, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    Hehe, I love it when people swarm over someone like that. I just stand back and watch. Sausagefest to the MAX!

    • July 15, 2012 at 4:13 pm

      Oh come on man!! fess up there…lol. I can’t even say it with 100% certainty that I would be able to resisit the stupid migration, if I was single…lol. But it is pretty fun to watch it from the sideline.

      • July 16, 2012 at 8:30 pm

        I stand back and take in the view & I also see how she reacts to all that attention. If she gets a big head & seems vain, I’m out. If she seems cool, I’ll find a way to approach her without outside of the Meat Market.

        Would you like some wine with that response?

    • July 16, 2012 at 8:31 pm

      “Mr Virgo” stands back and watches? HA! Tell me another one oh Quammie dear! LOL 😉

      • July 16, 2012 at 8:49 pm

        oooh yeah..lol

      • July 16, 2012 at 8:56 pm

        And I thought you knew me!!

        *Breaks into tears & runs away….. Towards the hot chick with open arms.*

        • July 16, 2012 at 9:33 pm

          lol, when plan “A” fails, gotta go with plan “B”..lol

        • July 17, 2012 at 7:23 am

          LOL!! Now there’s the Virgo I know!

  5. July 15, 2012 at 8:31 pm

    Sorry Chris…just came up for air after watching the Tour today and noticed you in my in-box…the whole Tour has been a weird one…Wiggins?…really?…yes I know he has phenom talent and rides for Sky who are capable of delivering for him…but crap…to be honest I’ve never been keen on Wiggins or Evans…there is always next year for Andy…although Sagan can apparently ride like the freakin’ wind…are we seeing the future of cycling?

    Oh yeah…great post…and I too…had it not been for my wife, Susie…would have been right up there making a complete idiot out of myself.

    Be encouraged!

  6. July 15, 2012 at 9:39 pm

    Month of July is a month of overtime for folks like us. I actually thought you’d be pretty busy working on your new book right now.
    Sagan is a BEAST! I would like to see him matchup up against God of Thunder next year. I don’t see anybody else coming close to challenging him for the green jersey. I don’t know which jackass decided to sabotage the tour today, I hope they throw the book at the guy if they ever catch him.
    I did find it difficult to get myself behind Wiggins, but it definitely got little easier after today. His action is exactly what the Tour needed to recover from the “chain drop” fiasco between Contador and Schlek. I really enjoyed the display of respect and honor of today’s stage. If Wiggins wins he will have done it honorably. Evans is a very strange guy, infact that is an understatement…lol. I guess you are one of those that has seen him when cameras are not on him.
    Andy is definitely missed this year. I am still waiting for a REAL attack on a climb. I think Wiggins has this thing wrapped up this year. We need some real mountain specialist to make things little more interesting!
    I am so glad you are man enough to admit our small fallacy of our DNA. How can anybody pass up a bicycle like that? lol

  7. July 16, 2012 at 10:04 am

    LOL I love your definition of sausagefest. It’s nice to see that some men actually realise that when they see a girl it’s important to just act normal and treat her like a normal human being. When I worked in construction (aka sausagefest central) last year I came across sooo many ridiculous idiots like the ones you described. But every once in a while it’s nice to come across a guy who just says hello like a normal person. And I just think to myself “see, was that so hard?”

    • July 16, 2012 at 1:49 pm

      oh you poor girl, construction workers? lol, I’m sure you’ll blog about that experience some day..hahaha. I’m already laughing at your unwritten work.
      It will be hard to find any man that is 100% immune to this behavior…lol. I was actually surprised to hear my wife forgive all the sausagefest participants…lol

      • July 17, 2012 at 8:47 am

        I think women generally just learn to accept sausagefest behavior. lol.

        And I think I may have to blog about that experience. I actually was thinking to blog about my experience going to the race tracks for the first time a few weeks ago. It was a different kind of sausagefest for some reason. Guys there were really intimidated and were afraid to talk to me. But maybe it’s because I was there with my man-friend so they thought it’d be best to layoff. Would be interesting to see how they act if I was there by myself.

        • July 17, 2012 at 9:57 am

          Wedding ring= +5 s.fest defense rating
          man companion= +20 s.fest defense rating
          lol…I think that sounds about right 🙂
          But please have some pity on these fellas, they can’t control what they are pre-programmed to do. I guess you gonna be the next Danica Patrick?

          • July 17, 2012 at 6:35 pm

            lol I guess women have a similar type of idiotic behavior. For instance when they go completely insane and off the wall in male strip clubs and bachelorette parties. I hope that never happens to me.

            And ahaha I’m definitely not about to become a racecar driver anytime soon. I was thinking maybe when I’m like 60 or 70. I wanna be the cool granny who races cars.

            • July 17, 2012 at 7:28 pm

              lol, I’m only aware of that as a hearsay, no confirmation from any credible source of witness so far…lol.
              My goodness! you are thinking ahead to your 60s and 70s already? when did you start investing into your retirement? lol

  8. July 16, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    “Sausagefest”! *snickers*

    If I’d only known all I needed was a sexy bicycle to attract mechanics, I wouldn’t have had to fix my own car beside the Trans-Canada Highway. I could’ve just flashed my bike and waited for the guys to flock around. Or maybe I should’ve worn spandex. But maybe they spotted my wedding ring as they blew by me at 120 km/h?

    Oh well. I probably did a better job fixing it myself anyway…

    • July 16, 2012 at 2:56 pm

      rofl…I am 100% certain you would be right there with me, with fists flying, if anybody tried to touch your pride and joy machine inappropriately…lol. Infact, you’ll probably pop the loudest one right between his eyes…lol.
      Oh and I think I would trust you over any of my local garage mechanics, anyday 🙂

    • July 17, 2012 at 8:33 am

      oh and one more thing. If it came down to head to head matchup with you on one side of a highway and I on the other side, we are both wearing spandex next to our broken motorbike, it is not a question who will get rescued first and who will get a beatdown from next group of motorcycle gang that arrives…lol. I’ll probably get my bike stolen, too

      • July 17, 2012 at 9:59 am

        LOL! Funny how spandex just doesn’t seem to work the same way for guys as it does for girls…

        • July 17, 2012 at 10:14 am

          nope…and the resulting percepetion is either one end of the extreme(visually pleasing) or the opposite end of the extreme(so grotesque that you want to kill it)…lol

  9. July 16, 2012 at 8:31 pm

    Sir.

    • July 16, 2012 at 8:53 pm

      lol, lee just put the hammer down on you!

      • July 16, 2012 at 8:57 pm

        That’s just called “Monday”, tomorrow she’ll do better. LOL.

        • July 16, 2012 at 9:34 pm

          I agree, Monday usually does start out pretty rough.

  10. July 18, 2012 at 10:23 pm

    It was nice of you to help the other rider, never easy to join an established group, especially the way she had to. What is it with men? As I’ve said before, it always amazes me that men assume that because they are attracted to a woman that the woman feels the same way. More like sausageheads!

    • July 19, 2012 at 12:33 am

      Oh, the things we would talk about if you were with me for this event…lol
      What is with men? lol I think this situation was the perfect storm for the s.fest, because of the girl AND the exotic bicycle. It was simply a sensory overload, aka, it blew their mind. Brain blanks out and you have no idea how you ended up in the hive..lol.
      Hey, just make sure you have a fake wedding ring handy for occasions like this 🙂

      • July 19, 2012 at 6:17 pm

        I’m not usually mobbed in the street but thanks for the advice! Having visions of sausages in bee hives now. LOL@ sensory overload, that does seem to be the case!

        • July 19, 2012 at 10:12 pm

          Next time you are in the area, we’ll put you on a $8k time trial bike, suit you up in aero suit, and you’ll be a queen-bee in no time! lol

  11. July 20, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    lmao wow saussage fest to the extreme – smh. That is sometimes overwhelming, my gosh couldn’t those men have had some self control ?!

    You & your wife seem to have a pretty cute relationship – I am glad that she snagged you up also before you came victom to being apart of the wolf pack! hahaha

    🙂

    • July 20, 2012 at 3:08 pm

      I guess when a perfect storm of stimulants(bike & rider) hit you like that, its really hard to have any kind of self control…lol
      Tell you what, my wife deserves all the credit in the world for being the foundation for giving me the added intelligence that prevent me from doing endless stupid things…lol
      hehe, love you reference about snagging up a spouse 🙂 Just like any other amazing deals and “chance of a lifetime” opportunities, gotta snag it up before sombody else does 🙂 I know I snagged up my wife before my competitors even knew what hit them…lol

      • August 26, 2012 at 6:20 pm

        lol hahaha I am sure you did, snag her up & you seem quite content about it. My future husband better cherish me as much as you cherish your wife, it is too adorable. I luv it !

        • August 27, 2012 at 8:52 pm

          and I can’t wait to see you write about your loving husband in your future blogs 🙂
          Welcom back by the way, I hope you had great summer.

          • August 29, 2012 at 7:00 am

            Thanks :-))

            && my summer has been quite tough! I am kinda glad its over haha ..

            School is back on session & the feeling is a little bittersweet ^_^

  12. July 21, 2012 at 9:06 pm

    hey, wait a minute, the greatest sporting event is the World Cup! 🙂 just saying … forgive me Mr. Cyclist!
    were you single do you think you would have joined the sausagefest?

  13. Recovering Wayward
    July 24, 2012 at 8:51 am

    The woman in the picture is hot! 🙂 I’d be crowding around her bike too

    • July 24, 2012 at 11:37 am

      Lol, I am glad you are man enough to admit it on this one. I think it will be really difficult, almost strange, if a guy doesn’t even contemplate jumping in…lol. Besides, you can’t fault a guy for trying. She is going to date somebody, why not you? lol

      • Recovering Wayward
        July 24, 2012 at 11:39 am

        precisely!

        • July 24, 2012 at 11:44 am

          Tell you what man. I had a guy that commented on this who was in denial, and I had to call him out on it…lol.

          • Recovering Wayward
            July 24, 2012 at 12:36 pm

            why be afraid to be honest on a blog? the woman is hot.

            trust me — if you had posted a shot of Ryan Gossling in tight shorts and shirtless, every female on the blog planet would’ve been typing “WOO HOO!!” in response while grinding in front of the computer — and without a second thought about it or shame.

            so why not us?

            • July 24, 2012 at 4:00 pm

              lol, that is some powerful comment there, sir. Can’t deny there probably are some bloggers that might interpret little too much from certain pics…lol.

              • Recovering Wayward
                July 25, 2012 at 6:28 am

                I pull no punches. Ever. 🙂

  14. August 2, 2012 at 7:43 pm

    This was so funny right up until the ending, which was extremely sad. I’m so impressed that you noticed and helped the other new biker. And I’m not at all surprised that the centerpiece of the sausagefest-circle did not return.

    • August 2, 2012 at 8:04 pm

      I’m really not any more special from the next guy, I think I’m just lucky to be married to a wonderful wife that makes me aware of things I would have never even noticed. Besides, having been a professional bike mechanic, I notice bike problems very easily 🙂
      Thanks a bunch for visiting my site and I look forward to checking yours out, too 🙂

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