Sausagefest over this person/machine (TDF celebration part2)
For those that just fell off the turnip truck, world’s greatest sporting event is in full swing and it’s nearly over 😦 Yes, I am talking about the Tour de France! What better way to celebrate than with a blog related to cycling?
There is an English slang word, “sausagefest”. What is the definition of sausagefest, you ask? I’m not talking about the kind you experience at local state fair but it’s of something more…umm…anomalistic. Since Mr. Webster has decided it’s not worthy of his dictionary, I will have to define it for the public. Definition of sausage fest:
“sau-sage-fest” n: An odd phenomenon that describes plurality of modern male Homo sapiens to particular location in mass. This strange gathering is usually triggered by some sort or stimulant that seems to disrupt the homeostasis by erratic discharge of testosterone of the affected subject. Possible known stimulants are: 1. anything that involves torque/horsepower, 2. Anything that explodes, 3. anything with wheels 3. Female subject or equivalent. Such fantastic congregation ends up overwhelming female participant(s) within the group. The event usually ends with no resolution and no satisfaction by all parties involved.
My wife and I are part of a weekly bicycle ride group in our area. It’s a fairly large group consisting of 40-50 riders, predominantly male riders. On this one particular day, we had a new member that rolled up in a STUNNINGLY gorgeous $8k (MSRP) fully decked out Orbea Ordu Time Trial bike. The cyclist just so happened to be a really pretty young lady probably in her 20s or early 30s. Please refer to Figure 1 for reference on the rider and the time trial bike. She was also seriously decked out with a matching aerodynamic body suit and all the bells and whistles. It was unfortunate she showed up for the ride by herself and no wedding ring on. I say unfortunate because the event that happened next is something I don’t even wish on my worst enemy 😦
Can you say, “Release the Kraken” or “open the floodgate”? It was a sausagefest of the millennium! I’ve never seen such blatantly obvious ploy/tactic/excuse to meet the new member like that. I counted about 9-10 isolated cyclists around the parking lot and one giant hive of cyclists around this one particular area. You could not see the new rider, it was that dense!
My wife made a comment about how stupid they all look…lol. Apparently she has never witnessed a sausagefest of this kind of epic proportion. I simply told her that our overly friendly bike group is just trying to be helpful to the new rider and probably just making her feel welcome. Most of them were trying to talk over each other and you can hear some of the ridiculous comments coming from the hive. Comments ranged anything from the weather, road course, bicycle tune-up, proper setup of the bike, etc… I think every single one of them offered free tune-up of her bicycle…lol. It was obvious they were not thinking with the correct brain, because:
- It was picture perfect weather. 70degree F, no wind, and not a cloud in sight.
- Road course? It was obvious she came equipped with a bike gps with all the turn by turn programmed in.
- Bike tune-up? A person with an $8k bike will have her own mechanic that she trusts. You do not trust any bloke mechanic that you just met at a parking lot.
- Bike setup? A bike shop that sells you the $8k bike will not let you out until it is professionally setup, usually takes hours under close video analysis.
The new girl handled it with great personality. If anybody was touching/groping my bike like that, you better believe there will be some fists flying!
Anyway, while all that was going on I also realized there was another “forgotten” new rider in the parking lot. Rider was a she, and ironically she also came alone and without a wedding ring. I actually noticed her front wheel wasn’t on properly. So I went over there to introduce myself & reassured her that I used to be a bicycle mechanic, before working on her bike. The lady was a postal worker in her mid 40s and her bike was pretty old, it had been in storage for 15+ years! I lifted the front end of her bike and smacked the top of her front wheel, the wheel popped off with ease. She was very thankful that I caught the problem and offered to pay for my service. She made one funny comment that made me laugh. She said, “Well I’m glad she (referring to new girl#1) didn’t need all the bike mechanics from this group today…lol”
I looked at my wife and I thanked her for marrying me, thus saving me from such embarrassment. I like to think I am better than all those guys participating in the sausagefest, but who knows? I could have been the loudest one making the biggest fool of myself…lol I was just so glad I wasn’t part of that and I have my wife to thank 🙂
In case you are wondering about the new girl, we never saw her again after that ride…lol