Home > family, wife > 40 Year Old Virgin (part 1)

40 Year Old Virgin (part 1)

February 21, 2012 Leave a comment Go to comments

Going to take a break from happy family stuff and focus on something little different, single guy with no family.  I have a very close friend who happens to be single, and he is dying to get married to that someone special, its something he wants more than anything else in this world.  I’ll let his stats speak for itself.

SWM, 6’1”, 210 lbf, 39years old, brunette (resembles Ben Affleck), making six figure salary, has a large single family home, loves to cook healthy meals, is a musician and plays all instruments, oil painter, and an electrical engineer.  This is guy is that guy from school that has it all, looks, brain, and talent oozing out of every orifice.  Oh, one more thing, he is also a virgin.

If my sister was single, I would coerce her into marrying “Ben Affleck”.  My kids call him uncle, and I trust him 100% with my own kids.  He is as loyal as it gets, when it comes to friends.  So how can he be single?  He has a big problem holding down relationship along with very eccentric view of marriage.  I know this may sound cliché but he wants a woman that has it all.  Let me elaborate.

Case 1.  He is a virgin because he wants to save himself for that someone special, whom he hopes is doing the same thing.  Biggest issue is finding a woman in her 30s that is a virgin.  He actually dated one girl of that quality and they ended up breaking up after several months.  They broke up because he wanted to hold her hand and kiss her toward end of their relationship, and she freaked out and called him a pervert.  Lesson learned here is, he does not want to marry a “prude”.

Case2.  He recently dated a nurse that was helping him with a physical therapy.  This relationship also ended after few months.  She was lot better at showing him affection than the previous lady, maybe little too much.  She would constantly sleep over at his house, and sometimes in the same room.  “Ben” really liked this girl and wanted everything to work out with her, BUT…  she was driving him insane.  Imagine his struggle, there is a beautiful girlfriend sleeping in your room, but you got to fight yourself not to do anything to touch her in any way.  I would know immediately when Ben had his girlfriend over at his house.  He would look like a crazed man, in complete disarray, coming into work with zero sleep, and looking more like a uni-bomber than a Hollywood actor.  Transform is quite shocking.

Case3.  Dated one more girl that seemed to be perfect.  He actually proposed to her and she accepted!! hooray!!…nope, this one failed after 6months.  It all happened after the engagement, he decided to meet her family for Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving party went great, everybody loved him, including all children that were there.  He even had chance to play the guitar for everybody to enjoy.  You can imagine Julie Andrew in Sound of music, with all those kids in the field singing do-rae-mi, well, that was Ben at this Thanksgiving party.  His fiancé was furious at him.  She went off on him about the guitar, singing, and attracting too much attention.

Its all fun and games till somebody gets hurt.  Ben is currently on anti-depressant because he wants a woman so badly.  He sees all his friends getting married, having children, and not hanging out with him anymore.  He loves children so much but he can’t have any right now.  He wants to sleep with a woman but he can’t.

Every woman he dates makes him even more depressed.  He hates dating older women because he says they are too depressing or too bossy.  He hates dating younger women because he says they have too many unrealistic dreams and goals, and too much energy that wears him out.  But more importantly he can’t seem to find a real virgin that behaves like a …ummmm… non-virgin.

He says looks don’t matter but I’ve known him long enough to know what he is attracted to and what he isn’t attracted to.  He attracted to someone who is also tall, slim, and fit.  He really has a thing for all the female elven characters from Lord of the Rings.  All this plus she needs to be in her 30s and a virgin that is not so prude.  I guess you can’t really fault him for wanting all this because he is the one that has to live with this lady, and you really can’t help what you like and dislike.

I truly wish he would meet that perfect woman because he is a really good caring guy.  He is on anti-depressant because there is a huge mental conflict that he cannot deal with, alone.  He wants to date and get to know somebody, but at the same time, his urge to have sex is too overwhelming, and he is afraid to get to know somebody for fear of wanting to go to bed with her.

I suggested maybe he should just do “it” and get it over with.  Why choose to be dependent on narcotic when you don’t have to?  But at the same time, he waited this long to remain who he is, what if he ends up finding the perfect person right after he does it? That would really suck.  Another friend suggested one of those mail order brides from another country, but that’s just too weird.

Categories: family, wife
  1. February 24, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    It’s not really biologically natural for him to be doing what he is doing, so I’m sure it has repercussions beyond depression that he’s yet to run into. I think that sometimes we hold a principle, thought, or even a relationship for so long that we feel that change would be counterproductive and would make all of the time spent on said prior idea/ relationship a waste of time. To avoid this we avoid change. I can understand wanting to wait if one really WANTS to wait, I feel that wanting to wait or not having met the right person yet does not make a person depressed or stressed unless it is because of a social obligation to others. Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.

    • February 24, 2012 at 9:16 pm

      “Ben” and I got together for lunch today, and he is a mess. I really like your opening sentence, “…not really biologically natural for him to be doing what he is doing…”. He may have other issues beyond what is evident, but I’m starting to see, he needs to do whatever it takes to get some normal sleep. I sensed he may have finally convinced himself to finally do “it” with his next girlfriend.

  2. March 5, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    This is interesting. I have a female friend who is very similar. Although, she is only in her twenties and she has had sex before except it was with an person who ended up never calling her back, which obviously really hurt her. So since then she decides that she doesn’t want to “do it” again until she meets the “perfect guy.”

    Except her definition of a perfect guy is completely unrealistic and sometimes…really weird. She hates dating older guys because she thinks they have too much baggage, and she hates dating younger guys because she finds them immature. So she would only date guys like between the age of like 25-27. She wants them to call and text her everyday, but never more than twice a day. She breaks up with anyone who calls her too much. She says she’s into tall muscular guys, but always end up dating scrawny guys. Additionally, she wants a guy who likes sex, but he’s not allowed to be “too horny.” My response: huh?

    I think both of their problems are not entirely about sex. That’s a part of it, but I think it’s an inherent problem with having weird, unreasonable expectations in their partners. Sure, we all want someone who cares about us and are good to us, but you never know who you’ll end up with. They could even be the complete opposite of you, but happen to compliment you. Things like if they’re a virgin or not, how old they are, how many times a day they call you (provided it’s not like, 100 times), really shouldn’t matter.

    • March 6, 2012 at 4:37 pm

      Thats wild because “Ben”, too, had a tramatic incident with his first love. She ended up leaving him at a nice restaurant and told him she would be back in 30min, to check out her friends at a nearby party. 30min turned into 3hours when she finally returned from partying with her friends, while “Ben” was all alone in the restaurant for 3 hours.

  3. March 27, 2012 at 10:27 pm

    Wow! This is something. The way to know if you are on the right path for YOU, is if it makes you happy. If it is interferring with your life, work and social life then it is dysfunctional, for YOU. His ideas are not serving him as he is miserable. I personally think there is a trauma there, probably much earlier and all of these rigid views and ridiculous expectations serve him to reduce the risk of being hurt in some way. I don’t think he’s being honest with himself, hence moving the goal post to ensure that he never really arrives at the goal-also, what is this thing about perfection? No one is perfect as any married person knows. It’s just another way to avoid intimacy. I really hope he either gets some counseling or starts getting honest and takes some risks. I agree with Fela that all of this refusing is not natural. You’re a good friend to care about him as you do.

    • March 27, 2012 at 11:07 pm

      He is my right hand man. I am a mechanical specialist and he is an electrical specialist, there is nothing we cannot build or rebuild. We often talk about entering Battlebot competition together..lol.
      PLEASE hit me up if you know of a nice lady that may be a match for him. It will be a huge plus if she appreciates StarTrek & Stargate and all its collectible toys.

  4. March 27, 2012 at 11:15 pm

    is there any way to email you or is that frowned upon on Word Press? Had a couple of questions for you. If not, no worries 🙂

    • March 28, 2012 at 10:05 am

      OMG, you know of a real woman thats into Startrek? I’m gonna cancel all my afternoon meetings! My email is actually at the bottom of the about-me page, but I can save you a click and just tell you right here 🙂

  5. purpleowltree1234
    May 9, 2012 at 8:18 pm

    I respect everyone’s right to choose if and when they’ll “do it”. It sounds like your friend has wonderfully strong principles, but he’s suffering because of them.
    I’ve got a friend who’s about 35 who has stayed a virgin for “the one” too. I know her choice is a result of doctrination by her parents, and her belief that this is what complies with her Christian faith. I’ve got good friends who are raising their kids to NOT have sex before marriage either. Personally, I don’t agree, but everyone Does have the right to choose. I guess for me, if it’s a “covenant” relationship- if you’ve got a deal that yes, we’re together as partners and we love each other and want to stay together indefinitely and we will be monogamous, then I think that is already enough to make God happy. But who knows, that’s just my personal view. The world is made so much more interesting with differences among peoples’ choices. And everyone is free to change their mind at any given moment.
    Do let us know if he finds a suitable woman! 🙂

    • May 10, 2012 at 9:38 am

      Rach, you know what I’m thinking? lol. Is your friend interested in meeting someone halfway across the earth? lol.

      • purpleowltree1234
        May 10, 2012 at 9:45 am

        I was wondering the same thing. haha! Is he a serious Christian, pretty conservative one? She is. it would not work if he wasn’t. But she Loves tall dark and handsome. 😉 She’s a midwife. LOVELY woman. I grew up with her in the Phils, so she’s had American schooling there. She plays piano, lovessss kids, bakes beautifully… How’s that sounding? Her name’s Anna. 🙂
        Love from Rach

        • May 10, 2012 at 10:29 am

          lol, you can say my guy is a hardcore Christian and is very conservative!
          Do you think your friend can pass as a an elvish character in the movie, Lord of the Rings? I know this is a very shallow question, but I don’t want to waste anybody’s time if I know its not going to work.

          • purpleowltree1234
            May 10, 2012 at 10:35 am

            To be honest I’m a tv/movie derelict and I’ve never watched “Lord of the Rings”! Anna used to be sort of fat but has lost lots of weight and is skinnier than me now (in that photo there of me in the pink top). Want me to see if I can email you a pic, or add you to my Facebook so you can check her out yourself? 🙂 hahaha, matchmakers are conspiring!! Anna’s eyes are amazing- one’s blue and one’s green! 🙂

            • May 10, 2012 at 10:52 am

              if you are a tv/movie derelict, that makes me a Facebook and other social website derelict…lol. I’ll try to get a descent picture of “big Ben” and email it to you as well. This is too funny. Its either this or I’m going to talk him into being a Catholic priest…lol

  6. May 17, 2012 at 9:40 am

    As a woman, my red flags are UP UP UP! He’s on anti-depressants because he’s “alone”? Hmmmmmm. From what I have gathered by reading your other posts, he seems to be fairly involved with you and the other guy friends. In essence, he is not alone.
    Being able to fall in love, then loving someone and having them return that love (the fairy tale we all seek) is not easy, I admit. I’ve been chasing after that one for the last 9 yrs since leaving my marriage.
    No one likes to be alone…..but there’s a difference in being alone vs being lonely. I’m just now pushing myself to “get out there” more and meet new people due to the fact that I’ve just moved to a different area of my town AND most of my friends live quite a distance away AND my son is now out and about each night doing his own thing. I’m feeling “down” but now that the good weather is here I’ll be involving myself in outdoor activities in order to make new connections with others (male and female). I live in a bedroom community so most residents commute an hour to Toronto for work which means they have little time for evening activities outside the home. Singles included. It’s definitely frustrating at times but I know that it’s up to ME to get “out there” and mingle with those who are also “out there”. Is it possible that your friend BEN is concentrating too much on finding his “soul mate” instead of just getting out there and mingling with like-minded people?
    I’m celibate when I’m not in a relationship (i.e. no booty calls, FWB’s, or casual sex) and I know how frrrrrrrrustrated I can become. It’s kind of pathetic actually but my integrity means everything and I won’t allow anyone to screw with it (pardon the pun).
    As hard as it can be at times, I choose to concentrate on family and friends instead of the fact that I’m single (although, the fact hits me like a brick at times).
    Love (and his soul mate) won’t come to him…… it’s nothing which can be searched for. The paths of two people must cross in order to “find it” but sitting back and complaining (and having the doc prescribe anti-depressants) isn’t helping. My advice…….tell BEN to get involved with clubs/activities as much as possible. That’s where the people are. Hopefully he’ll be so busy participating and meeting new people that he’ll forget about how depressed he is with not having his perfect mate. She is out there though………..but I’m sure she’s keeping herself busy with activities and friends. They won’t meet up due to “luck” but because they came across each others path………. 😉

    • May 17, 2012 at 10:55 am

      wow, that was REALLY deep and sincere! All those advice of going out there and getting involved with groups and activities are really good suggestions. I know he is involved with several activity groups but it always seems to end in a disaster. The last great group he was involved in, something happened, and it resulted in mass exodus of his facebook friends. He definitely has issues and I think he has some sort of identity issue, too. I know his natural comfort state, but for some reason it is not accepted by these new group of people he is trying to get involved. From listening to your stories and comments, I think you will find your happy mate before big Ben does :(.
      I am currently trying to get his permission to use his picture to pass it around to some good folks here. I just cannot believe crazy nutjob like Mike Tyson can find a descent woman but big Ben cannot. It makes no sense to me.

      • May 17, 2012 at 11:26 am

        Mass exodus by his Facebook friends? Uh oh. Something isn’t sitting right.
        Poor Ben. I do hope he can find the right group to socialize with. Acceptance and tolerance is huge and many of us take it for granted (because we’re always accepted).
        I’m really hoping he can find a good woman with whom he can “explore” with (foreplay). If he wishes to refrain from intercourse that’s his choice but there are (as you know) so many other things one can participate in without having intercourse. Kissing can be incredibly erotic…..and if done right, can mimic or bring about feelings of having sex.
        Passing around his pic is one thing, but anyone can look good on paper (as we all know). Money and looks have absolutely nothing to do with personality qualities/flaws.
        Question: how will he know if he’s sexually compatible with his “soulmate” when he finally finds her? Sexual compatibility is one of the components (an important one) when it comes to a partner. His best bet I guess would be to find a virgin so that neither have anything to compare it to.
        MOST men don’t know what they’re doing “down there” and I couldn’t imagine not having sex with someone until we’re married then finding out he doesn’t like oral sex, isn’t comfortable with it or isn’t up to learning. Yikes! I don’t care how much you make or how hot you look, if you’re not satisfying your partner sexually there will be problems.
        You know him as a friend but you’ve never dated him. You don’t really know what he’s REALLY about when he’s behind closed doors.
        My ex hubby is a great guy as a friend (very well respected in his field of work) but he’s a lousy partner – emotionally, sexually and intellectually and lacks communication skills (unless he’s talking about bridges). From the outside, he appears to be a great catch. Not so.
        Passing Ben’s pic around doesn’t prove him to be a great catch. Capice?

        • May 17, 2012 at 11:45 am

          WHOA whoa and WOW whoa!! you just brought the house down with your comment..oh my goodness, I need to gather my thoughts right now..lol Gonna take a lunch break to digest all this and I’ll respond to this little bit later 🙂

          • May 17, 2012 at 12:02 pm

            LOL! Hope I didn’t offend. It’s merely my opinion. I realize not everyone will agree/disagree. 😉
            Heading out soon but look forward to seeing your response when I get back.

            • May 17, 2012 at 2:32 pm

              no no, you didn’t offend, you just caught me looking like deer in a headlight, a semi-truck headlight…lol. But now that I’m firing on full stomach, I think I can handle this reply 🙂
              Our conversation with Ben goes as far as, he wants to do it really badly and nothing more. We have never ever ventured that far into exactly what he wants and what he is exactly willing to do for her. Our buddy system may be lot of things but its never about giving “love tips” to each other…lol. Partially because, do men know what woman really want? Its impossible, too many variables, no two are alike, etc… Only thing for sure is, he doesn’t want a prude person and he doesn’t want somebody too aggressive, seems reasonable. We are helpinng him out with his chances of meeting someone and holding on to her. I write his Eharmony page, Larry will coach him on how to be smooth on dates, and Moe…umm, I don’t think Ben(Shemp) takes his advice on womam…lol. Any gory detail about anything else is between him and anybody else but us…lol.

        • May 17, 2012 at 2:54 pm

          lacks communication skills (unless he’s talking about bridges).

          LOL, thats a sure sign of a good guy right there…lol. Seriously though, who doesn’t want to talk about things like the 1940 Tacoma suspension bridge collapse. One spectacular destruction that basically summarizes physics, engineering, aerodynamics, frequency, vibe, natural mode, sine waves, cosine waves, resonance, etc… That reminds me to hop on Ebay to see if there are any of its artifacts on sale. Say, you still up for that 4×4 trip with us? lol. It will be a long road trip with nothing but “fun” topics and discussion 🙂

  7. May 17, 2012 at 6:27 pm

    My previous post was misunderstood. LOL What I was trying to say was this: People are somewhat different with their friends than they are with their partner. Ben may be cool and fun when he’s with his friends but behind closed doors he might be anti-social, awkward and non communicative (or a host of other things) with his partner. I wasn’t referring to behind the “bedroom” door when I posted my other response. LOL
    Okay, so YOU write his Eharmony page for him? Wow! If I were out on a date with someone and I found out his buddy was writing his words, I’d be pretty pissed off. He wouldn’t have time to say “Hey, where are you going? Don’t leave!” cuz I’d be out the door in no time flat. Reversely, I’d expect any man to leave if I put a phony pic up or portrayed myself as something I’m not.
    If he isn’t able to be HIMSELF on his dating profile and use words from his own mouth then maybe it’s best if he joins a toastmasters group for a while so he can be comfortable talking for himself. Just a suggestion.
    I noticed in a few comments above mine that he’s looking for a certain LOOK of woman. Wow! LOL Funny how men accuse women of being so narrow minded yet your friend is a prime example of not being open to anyone who doesn’t FIT a vision in his head. As a man his age, it would be nice to hear that he’s looking for someone who’s honest, compassionate, fun, easy going, cool….etc etc.
    Red red red flags all over this man……..yikes! LOL

    • May 17, 2012 at 11:17 pm

      lol, I’m pretty sure you are right about his behavior when he is not among his closest friends because we can’t find anything wrong with him, so it must be something that is happening when we are not with him.
      You are also correct about his eharmony page but the reason I stepped in is because he was only getting about 2dates per year. I told him he is getting ripped off because he should be getting more dates for the amount he is paying in service fee. I stopped blaming the service provider once I read his profile page and pictures, it was AAAtroucious. All I did was highlight his key features and suggested putting in different photos. No lies or exagerations, just more exciting and energetic 🙂

      He is definitely looking for, what he says is, just the bare minimum, somebody that will accept him for who he is. But, I know he can’t help being attracted to those other types of women, too….lol. He is clearly a torn man. But all your comments might be the explanation why such a “perfect” guy cannot find anyone. Somtimes honesty will hurt. Now I gotta figure out a way to relay your message back to Ben.

  8. May 18, 2012 at 6:41 am

    Ben is human, just like the rest of us. We all have undesirable traits that could bring strife to and harm a relationship. Just like everyone else, he is a work in progress so to speak. Identifying and admitting we have negative personality quirks is the first step…….and usually it’s the hardest one. Go ahead, ask me how I know…….. LOL 😉

    • May 18, 2012 at 9:29 am

      sounds like you might know a thing or two about “being a work in progress” 🙂
      But taking myself out of Ben’s shoe’s for a moment and purely speaking from close friend’s point of view. I just feel like he deserves to have a family like me, like Moe, & like Larry. I really do see him as a mirror image of me in every way and I just wish a nice lady would appear and decide to take a chance on him, just like my wife did. You make a lot of good sense about raising red flags all over the place, and apparently thats what all his previous dates are seeing him as. You have to realize nerds and geeks are almost a different breed of men. Media does seem to portray them as funny and cute, but majority of them are not like that. They act odd, they seem creepy at times, smell funny at times, and they are terrible in social situations around women 😦
      I will keep pushing forward to help him out. Besides, recreating his image is Larry’s(aka Mr.Banana Hammock) job 🙂

  9. August 7, 2012 at 10:43 am

    I’d say send him my way and I’ll give him a try but I think I live in the realm of “No way can he handle my energy” 🙂

    • August 7, 2012 at 10:56 am

      lol, that is one thing he does say on a consistent basis, that all middle aged women are “overwhelming” & stressful…lol. That might be a result of his lack of dating experience. He should have dated sooner and work his way up to the more aggressive type.

      • August 7, 2012 at 12:44 pm

        I agree completely. He missed the ship! Men are in their prime in the early-mid 20s. Women in their 40s!

        He missed out on a lot of fun dating and experience. Dating is stressful AS FUCK. But it’s a hell of a lot of fun too!

        • August 7, 2012 at 2:06 pm

          no doubt Ben has lot of catching up to do, but he is a smart guy. I’m sure once he gets the hang of it, it will be really easy for him to find a keeper.
          Sounds like most single people are perfectly happy living alone. Glad you are having fun 🙂

      • August 7, 2012 at 12:45 pm

        If he read my blog he’d be damn appalled by how brash I can be lol But if you read my “about” it is in character so to speak 😉

        • August 7, 2012 at 2:10 pm

          ummm, yeah…you’ll blow him out of the water for sure…lol
          Ben is a musician and an artist, but definitely not a reader or a writer.
          I wonder what he’ll say if he found out he is the most popular topic in my blog…lol

          • August 7, 2012 at 2:17 pm

            He should be completely flattered that all of us have taken time out of our day to try and be helpful toward his cause!

            • August 7, 2012 at 2:37 pm

              You are right. It goes to show you there are lot of caring and thoughtful people in the blogging community 🙂

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