Home > children, family, humor, wife > You are a liar, you must die!

You are a liar, you must die!

Courtesy of Bing image

Courtesy of Bing image

I don’t know what kind of woman Eve was, but it wouldn’t surprise me if she had similar zero tolerance policy against lying like my wife. White, grey, black, green, purple…no color bias here, it’s all the same, lie is a lie and I must pay the price of…ummm…near death!

Many years ago my wife and I had a fiery argument over this topic. The zero tolerance policy is too strict and I feel it’s impossible to have a good healthy relationship that’s based on full disclosure of EVERYTHING and 100% pure truth on EVERYTHING. She vehemently hate liars with so much anger and vitriol its shocking to see such lovely peace loving princess transform in to a She-Hulk at the hint of lying.
In her world white lies and non-white lies should be treated the same, and punishable to the maximum penalty while staying inside the legal bound.

I tell her that I’m sticking to my core principles and I’m going to continue lying and forget mundane things on regular basis for as long as I’m alive.

My take on lying is, as long as it’s done tastefully and in good judgment with good intention, it can be an important tool for romance, excitement, laugh, and surprise.  I told her I believe in miracles and white lies. She said b.s. and called me a compulsive liar, and I accused her of being a hateful vile person. So we had our first real fight, it was our epic Marriage War I. She threw everything at me such as, the bible, Oprah articles, psychology articles, Dr.Phil, Judge Judy, etc… while I simply spoke from the heart.lol
In the end, the peace treaty was signed in the form of hugs, kisses, & Belgian chocolates. I just want to take this time out to tell the world why I’m a compulsive liar and why it’s required to hold my marriage together. In fact I don’t even call it white lies, my wife and I now call it “pieux mensonge” per the peace treaty article 7 section 2(b), because French language has a way of turning everything into romance and love. As long as the word ‘lie’ is omitted from our conversation, my wife will stay in her human form.

  1.  Most common form of pieux mensonge is when I leave out certain details of the conversation that my wife is having issues with because, I honestly forgot about it. I have superior ability to forget things that I perceive to be irrelevant. Sadly there are too many things that my wife does consider to be relevant and I just can’t keep up. 7 out of 10 times, I truly don’t recall things. It’s a pieux mensonge because even when I’m telling the truth, it still turns into a lie.
  2. Wife asks these questions: Do I look good in these? Can you see the panty line in these? Do they make my boobs look too big? Does this belt work with this necklace? I almost never tell the truth to any of these questions. Sometimes I just love the way she looks and I certainly don’t want her to change out just because she is afraid of some would-be weirdo. But the main reason why I lie is so we can get going and not show up 1hour late to our destination, one outfit change equates to 1hour delay … pieux mensonge the situation and move out.
  3. Can you tell I’ve been gaining weight? …no need to explain this one
  4. My wife thought it would be okay to let my kids play with my garage tools. I come home one day and to my horror I see my youngest digging a hole with my Snap-on torque wrench!!!!!!!…ugggggggg…I was withholding a lot of information and comment that day. Is there anybody in the world that’s prepared to “handle the truth” after such gross negligence?
  5. Bought her a 1oz silver American eagle coin for Valentine’s Day and talked about its beauty and health benefit. I left out important reason…it had better resale value than flowers and candies. The resale feature didn’t seem appropriate and romantic for the moment…pieux mensonge.
  6. Wife asks if she looks better with long hair or short, I always say short. She thinks it’s odd because everybody else around her thinks she looks great with long hair. I lie about this because she looks gorgeous with her long flowing hair. But her long hair gets EVERYWHERE. It can cover the floors, counter, clean laundry, bathtubs, & sinks. If I tell the truth, she will never cut it short, ever.
  7. Wife and kids thought the Disney vacation was fun and we should do it again. I honestly hated it because of the crowd, heat, humidity, mosquitoes, & infinite distractions for our kids. It was difficult to hold everything inside of me because I knew I can potentially turn this $5k lovely family vacation into trip from hell if I opened up my mouth. I lied, “yeah it was good, glad everybody had a good time.”
  8. “Cleaning people are coming tomorrow, you have to come home early so you can help me clean.” Her cleaning crew means a lot to her so I’m not even going to tell her the truth about what I really think about the double cleaning duty.

As horrible as it might sound, I also lie to my kids, but my wife sure seems to get a kick out of it.lol

  1. “Daddy what is a penis?” This was an incident after a boy in his class got thrown out for repeatedly saying the word, ‘penis’. I explained to him that “pee-in-this” is not appropriate, that’s why the boy got thrown out. I asked my boys, “Where should you pee-in if you have to go?” and my smart boys responded with, “ the bathroom”
  2. If I’m spending over $100 to take the family to Thomas and Friends train park, I want everybody to have a good time. So when my boys said, “Daddy, that’s not real Thomas the train, his eyes are not moving and he is not talking”. I lie to them and say Thomas is simply sleeping with his eyes open. To that they ask, “then how can he move along the track?” to which I reply, “because he is sleeping, the driver has to drive him”

And my biggest pieux mensonge of all, Santa Claus and friends. The reason why I lie about these characters is because I love my cute little innocent kids do cute little innocent things in their innocent world. They will have plenty of opportunity to deal with hard truths and reality in few more years, so why not let them live a happy beautiful fairy-tale imagination that feel so real that you can almost touch it. It’s a whole new level of excitement when they believe some mythical characters could have been real, or is real. Their little eyes light up and their smile get so big you can see their missing tooth gap.lol

  1. “Is Santa Claus real?” “Yes, and he is planning on bringing you something very cool this year, too!” I lie on this topic because the trade-off is worth it. I have such beautiful memories of my kids staring out the window on Christmas Eve and listening in on their private conversation between the two of them. It’s something so adorable and innocent that it needs to be witnessed to fully appreciate. I also have memories where they try to stay up for Santa, and the incredible struggle to keep themselves up all night. You know when their heads sway side to side and eventually topple over.lol I will milk this Santa lie for as long as I can. Lately my oldest has been dealing with some pushback from other older boys in the neighborhood saying, Santa isn’t real. I sat my boy down and I said this to him, “there are people that believe in Santa and there are people that don’t believe in Santa” It’s something you should not argue over with friends but just know this, kids that believe in Santa clause always get one extra special present. Kids that don’t believe in Santa will always get one less. It’s your choice to believe in Santa or not believe in him. Yep, I lie through my teeth on this one.
  2. Older kids say leprechaun isn’t real: Sure they are, where do you think gold coins come from? To that they devise a plan to capture some of leprechaun‘s gold. Supposedly the young one will be the one distracting the leprechaun with his sno-cone machine, while the older one uses his red wagon to haul out the gold coins.lol
  3. Did fire breathing dragons exist? Sure they did, it was a very large pterodactyl that can breathe volatile chemical components from their snout or their mouth, similar to some other creatures that exists today that can project fiery chemical mix.

There is no doubt lying is bad under most circumstances. But there are certain things that are said, or purposely left out because you love someone. I would have no problem telling the 100% pure truth if I didn’t care about the individual. I don’t know about you folks, but I can’t just tell it like it is to people I deeply care about. I can’t imagine being happy with my life if I answered all those above examples with 100% truth. It would turn me into a grumpy, depressing, anti-social, & boring father and a husband. Grumpy old men are probably the best truth telling people around.
My closing for the peace treaty went something like this, which would you rather live with?
1. Grumpy, anti-social, angry man that always tells the truth and nothing but the truth
2. Happy, fun, social man full of loving pieux mensonge.

“Baby, I will pieux mensonge to you forever and ever because I love you”…that is HOT!

Categories: children, family, humor, wife
  1. August 16, 2013 at 3:19 pm | #1

    hahaha so entertaining to read!!

    • August 16, 2013 at 3:22 pm | #2

      it aint easy holding back my natural grumpy self, for the sake of keeping a happy family.lol

      • August 16, 2013 at 3:23 pm | #3

        lol its a tough balance!!! sounds like youre doing a great job though :) just dont let your wife see this blog hahaha

        • August 16, 2013 at 3:25 pm | #4

          hahaha,She is fully aware of this website but she is not allowed to visit it until I’m dead.lol

          • August 16, 2013 at 3:26 pm | #5

            hahahaha, and by the time that happens, she wont even get to say “you’re a liar, now die” lol

            • August 16, 2013 at 3:29 pm | #6

              OH MY!! I hope she will finally believe that when I say, I don’t remember…I really don’t remember.

  2. August 16, 2013 at 3:58 pm | #7

    Lovely story and very well told, but do you think you could send some of those Belgian Chocolates over here to Ireland cause were overrun with Leprechauns and as you know, Christmas is coming.

    • August 16, 2013 at 6:49 pm | #8

      oh I’m sure you guys get much better stuff than the mass produced candies here in the U.S. lol.
      I haven’t told my kids where the leprechaun capitol of the world is. If you ever see two little boys, one carrying a sno-cone machine and the other pulling a little red wagon, through your main street you know where they came from.lol. I love your login name!

  3. August 16, 2013 at 3:58 pm | #9

    Can you tell if I’m gaining weight?

    Haven’t paid attention, what does the scale say?

    Sure winner every time! ;) Good luck man. Whew.

    • August 16, 2013 at 7:22 pm | #10

      haha, re-routing the question definitely works. I usually stick to something like, ‘You look HOT!’. Its only three words and it distracts her from the question.lol. Thanks for stopping by.

  4. August 16, 2013 at 4:38 pm | #11

    You are quite the character!! Entertaining to say the least.

  5. August 16, 2013 at 7:21 pm | #13

    Very witty, you aren’t a politician are you?

  6. August 16, 2013 at 10:55 pm | #15

    You are a HOOT! I loved this post!! As a PK I had to learn how to lie about all kinds of things like looking at a baby that is just hurt ugly so instead of really telling a total lie I would say “Now THAT’S a baby!” They were proud, I was safe from hell fire and damnation! Thanks! I would love to reblog it if you don’t mind, let me know!

    • August 16, 2013 at 11:16 pm | #16

      Everything on my site is free and nothing is worth the effort of copy right protection.lol I am very honored that you think its good enough to go on your wonderful blogsite, thank you very much for that :)
      LOL@ not so cute babies. I almost think white lie is a characteristic of a good human being :). Its just the word ‘lie’ is not politically correct. Thanks for your funny comment here :)

  7. August 16, 2013 at 11:20 pm | #18

    Reblogged this on HaroWritingOutLoud and commented:
    I loved this blog written by Chris9911.Wordpress.com and I know you will too! “You are a Liar, you must die!” Give it a read!

  8. August 17, 2013 at 12:02 am | #19

    :)

    • August 17, 2013 at 3:13 pm | #20

      thanks for the like

      • August 17, 2013 at 10:23 pm | #21

        I try to come around and support as much as I can with my busy schedule… :) I appreciate the the creatives.

        • August 17, 2013 at 10:30 pm | #22

          yeah, I know what you mean. I’ll be making my round shortly :)

  9. August 17, 2013 at 4:11 am | #23

    hahaha.. it sounds like you got a truce hammered out pretty good. and you’re right– French makes everything sound better. :-D

    • August 17, 2013 at 3:16 pm | #24

      Who knew study of French would pay off big like this.lol. Its probably a good idea for all the young chaps to pick up few French words here and there.

  10. August 17, 2013 at 8:54 am | #25

    Wow,, I read ALL of that, but it was worth it! Great read!!

    • August 17, 2013 at 3:29 pm | #26

      That’s crazy you read the whole thing. Didn’t want to add advice or modifier to this? lol

      • August 17, 2013 at 3:44 pm | #27

        Hmm I did indeed! Well, I don’t have kids or so on so couldn’t really add to it :p but it was a nicely written article and I know where ur coming from!

        • August 17, 2013 at 9:48 pm | #28

          haha, I think most people in a relationship can probably relate. Learn some French, its another great tool for saving a relationship.lol

  11. August 17, 2013 at 11:27 pm | #30

    Just to let you know I got some wonderful comments from people that came over and read that blog! Thanks!

    • August 17, 2013 at 11:32 pm | #31

      That’s pretty cool. I’m just glad nobody went off on the morality of telling a white lie. I was bracing myself for some harsh criticism when I hit ‘publish’ on this blog.lol

      • August 17, 2013 at 11:56 pm | #32

        If they had gone moral on you they would themselves have been hypocrites!!! Don’t question yourself just DO it!!😇

        • August 18, 2013 at 1:00 am | #33

          wow, that’s some strong stuff right there. I’m gonna go do some real crazy stuff now, just gonna do it, man! lol

  12. August 18, 2013 at 12:13 am | #35

    I just started publishing my blogs yesterday but seems like I would enjoy reading your blogs better than writing my own. Haha!

    • August 18, 2013 at 12:40 am | #36

      haha, that’s funny because that’s my style of blogging. I mostly read everybody else’s blog while I do bare minimum on my blog. Glad to have you on board :)

  13. August 18, 2013 at 11:21 am | #37

    Got a good chuckle out of this one! Hubby and I have a deal: I don’t ask awkward questions that force him to lie, and he doesn’t lie to me. That I know of… ;-)

    • August 21, 2013 at 10:14 pm | #38

      hahaha, are you implying you can create an environment for your hubby to unexpectedly walk into a trap where you can yell at him for lying? rofl, I can totally see you pull that off.

  14. September 11, 2013 at 9:26 pm | #39

    You have such an incredible way with words Chris! Nothing much more I can say! Your imagination and careful configuration of your post is just wonderful! You need to post more often though! :) xo

    • December 17, 2013 at 11:06 am | #40

      hmmm, I’m warming up to the idea of posting more.lol. Hope you had wonderful Thanksgiving and I need to make my round before the year is up.

      • December 20, 2013 at 3:22 pm | #41

        I did have an excellent Thanksgiving, thank you. Hope yours was good also. Have a great Christmas Chris and good luck making your rounds before the New Year! xx

  15. October 11, 2013 at 10:40 pm | #42

    Suuper late comment, but I’m totally feeling you on the compulsive liar bandwagon. I think that good intentions should be taken into account. My friend Katy has been raving about this cute guy who comes into her work, and a week ago she said, “yeah and I think he’s Sara’s roommate.” I know her roommate and the guy is a short little man who is kind of heavy with a Mario mustache, no degree, five years older than her and a total pot-head. She wants to go on a date with him, and she’s all excited and truly blind apparently, so I’m not going to say, eew Katy no, he’s icky fix your head. If I did, we’d have to have a friend fight, then a few days apart, then a drink, and a sleepover, that’s like a week of commitment. Also, my dad took us to Disneyland like ten times, it got OLD and it got RUINED and my poor father was miserable every time, just saying…

  16. January 17, 2014 at 5:16 pm | #43

    You, sir, are hysterical. Oh, lying to our kids has become sport. After the angels are in bed conversation goes something like “Hey, did i tell ya how i explained… !”

  17. February 18, 2014 at 2:00 pm | #44

    Hilarious. I can be a bit of a white liar at times too. Sometimes it is necessary and actually more kind. I like to refer to it as being diplomatic.

  18. April 9, 2014 at 5:00 pm | #46

    Looks like you got ya revenge – now I know what my bloke is REALLY thinking!

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