Home > family, humor > 40 year old virgin (part 2)

40 year old virgin (part 2)

courtesy of Bing images

courtesy of Bing images

Not going into details about Big Ben on this one because it’s been done in part 1 of the story here,

http://chris9911.wordpress.com/2012/02/21/40yearoldvirgin/

I got into a pretty good conversation with a fellow cool blogger and we ended up talking about Big Ben.  Yes, he still is a virgin; just want to get that out of the way first.  My other buddies and I have done a lot since my last post, to get him more prepared for the real world and real expectations from normal women.  For example, our biggest task is to convince Ben to lose his virginity.  It is becoming clearer that it’s a liability/red flag and not an asset.  Some may say it’s downright creepy rather than something admirable, for a man of his age.  At least we convinced him not to say anything about his virginity when he is out on a date, so we are making some progress.

That’s a quick update on his life, now let’s get to his most recent incident where friends tried to help, but it ended up causing nothing but grief and stress for everybody  :(

It was a lovely day, and best of all, it was lunch time!  I needed to go to the DMV (department of motor vehicles), so we decided to eat at a noodle bowl restaurant that was directly across the DMV.  It’s a shitty DMV and it’s always annoying to find a good clean seat to sit on.  It seems to be a cesspool of coughing/sneezing people, bad B.O., greasy hair, etc…  I finally find a good seat to sit on and I’m minding my own business waiting for my number to come up.  I didn’t have to wait long before somebody decides to sit RIGHT FREAKIN next to me!!  Big Ben actually does this to lone woman, he and I had a pretty lively argument about it.  Anyway, back to DMV.  I guess I lucked out because this person that sat next to me was clean, healthy, well groomed, and passed the smell test.  So back to minding my own business when all of a sudden, she starts talking to me.  First line out of her mouth, “<sigh>…..I feel so lonely…”   At this point I’m trying to pretend I didn’t hear her, and praying she doesn’t start sobbing.  She then follows up with, “do you know of any good man, sir?”  Adding a “sir” in the end was a good thing, because I do like friendly respectful people.  We start talking about her current situation and her ex-boyfriend that treated her like crap(surprise, surprise..).  Just when I thought I was done talking to her, she still follows up with, do you know of any good man?  Right then, I knew instantly what this was all about!  Of course, it was meant to be!  I told her to hold that thought while I pulled out my cell phone to start texting a very special friend of mine, Big Ben!  Texting went something like this:

Me:     still single?

Ben:  yeah :(

Me: want a date?

Ben: yeah, what is she like?

Me: well, she is not a doctor, nurse, or a lawyer.  I think she is an English teacher.

Ben: is she good looking?

Me: she isn’t ugly

Ben: K, when does she want to go out?

Me:   Now!   Go do something about your uni-brow, we’ll be there in 15min

Ben: okay

So it was turning out to be a special day.  From everything I can tell, she seemed like a good fit for Ben.  They instantly hit it off.  They were laughing, they were loud, and it was good to see Ben acting so lively.  Ben was in total control of the conversation and he was really worked up…lol.  The momentum was strong and he actually asked her out on a date, BUT….

He freakin drags us into it!  What the hell was he thinking? He goes on and on about kayaking, tells her there is an extra kayak for her to use, and tells her we’ll ALL be there and how awesome it will be.  What the hell is he talking about???!!!  I barely have time to do anything on a weekend and I’m certainly not spending my free time with Ben, especially when my wife is complaining I don’t do enough with the family, and Ben knows this.  Unfortunately for Ben, rest of us is married with kids!! Did he forget this important fact?

Sadly, Ben did not stop with the kayak date invitation :( He gets this bright idea to exchange everybody’s phone number…WHAT THE HELL???!!!   It was such an awkward situation where Ben is volunteering all this sensitive information.  Everybody, except for Ben, knew this was weird but we all ended up putting our phone number down on a piece of napkin anyway :(

I found out two things from this situation.  1.  Turns out I’m actually smarter than these average bears, that I call friends, because I wrote down Ben’s home number…lol.  2.  Ben can be a freakin idiot sometimes.

For next couple of days, everybody was nervous she would call.  Larry took it very hard, he was so nervous that he didn’t sleep for these several days.  He was so scared the teacher would call and his wife would find out it was a woman.  This is probably every husband’s nightmare, a stupid misunderstanding that leads to accusation :(  I know Larry is a good man, but he can be pretty dramatic in some situations.  By the 3rd day of no sleep, Larry actually did something that was drastic…lol.  He called up the teacher and told her to delete and forget his phone number.  As funny as that may sound, Larry slept like a baby that night…lol

Soooo, let’s see, who else was nervous about the prospect of getting a phone call from this teacher. Answer, Mr. Big mouth himself, Mr. Big Ben.  He was beyond nervous and was in total panic!  He was panicking because he committed to something that he wasn’t comfortable doing.  No, he is not afraid of Kayaking, he was afraid of being involved with the teacher!

We got together to discuss Ben’s problem and it was more perplexing than calculating a 6×6 mathematical matrix with pen and paper.  This was Ben’s explanation why he didn’t want to be with her:

  1. She had a small tattoo (fyi: it was NOT a “ tramp stamp” in the lower back)
  2. Her cleavage was showing
  3. Didn’t like the idea of dating a stray from DMV
  4. And last but not least, he said his mother wouldn’t approve.

I’m starting to lose hope for Ben because I don’t think it’s possible to work around his boundary conditions.  Grown man needing mother’s approval to date?…<sigh>

Ben also did something drastic once sleep deprivation became unbearable.  He, too, called the teacher and said this, and I’m quoting this EXACTLY, “I cannot have you in my circle of friends”

I guarantee this teacher will probably never want to date an engineer or a scientist for as long as she is alive.

I don’t go to that specific DMV anymore, because I have a phobia to an angry or emotional woman; I hope I never run into that teacher.  I also do pray she is doing well, and I feel terrible for the grief I may have caused.  So I do have a lesson learned from this.  BIG BEN IS ON HIS OWN.

Categories: family, humor
  1. July 27, 2012 at 3:14 pm

    Good choice. When a train wreck is inevitable, the smartest thing you can do is step out of the way and save yourself (and your friends). :-)

    • July 27, 2012 at 3:21 pm

      inevitable train wreck? ROFL..omg, I hope he figures something out. His mother might need to cut him off first

  2. July 27, 2012 at 3:42 pm

    oh my Lord! He is beyond help! He is need of a therapist! Honestly, either he is that dumb or he doesn’t think he is worth of being loved and keeps coming up with excuses not to have love in his life! I am not say that the DMV girl was a match either – who goes around complaining they are lonely and asking people if they know anyone?
    On a second thought, I haven’t tried that tactic yet…

    • July 27, 2012 at 5:01 pm

      Its odd that a person can be so “normal” at a work and personal level. But as soon as you throw in relationship factor, he is a completely different person. I just don’t get it :(
      The DMV girl was odd but so is Ben, should have been a good match..lol. I guess that would be a red flag on her part…lol

      • July 27, 2012 at 5:50 pm

        unfortunately he let that one get away, perhaps he should the post office …
        Relationships have a way of bringing out the best and the worst in all of us….
        and I am sorry for calling your friend dumb, I say the dumbest things some times. Also I probably need a therapist as much as he does!

        • July 27, 2012 at 10:47 pm

          lol, thats a funny comment about the post office…hahaha. Relationship has a way of turning somebody into a completely different person, what is up with that?
          You are apologizing for calling Ben dumb? lol. That is actually a complement to him. Do you want to know what Larry and I called him after this incident? lol
          Speaking of you and therapy, I would be really curious what your buddy says about you and all your troubles…lol. I think it will be very intriguing to look at what the outsiders see, that you cannot see. I guarantee big Ben has no idea why relationships are always turning out bad for him, while everybody else can clearly see what is going on..

          • July 27, 2012 at 11:09 pm

            I really don’t know Ben so I felt weird calling him dumb. I guess I rather not know what you guys call him – but you do it out of love, so probably is okay!

            My buddy? you mean the one I wrote a post to today?

            Well, my buddy just came into the picture recently . He has gone through a breakup at the same time I did, so we take turns picking each other up. He has been in therapy for awhile and tries to help with all the wisdom he gained. But since I am an Aries and know it all it is hard for me to listen – lol
            He thinks that therapy can benefit everyone. And I agree! But I fear finding problems I never had to begin with! Writing has been my therapy!!
            He thinks that one should proceed with caution on next relationship, I believe if my heart says go I should jump head first! So we differ on some things! lol

            • July 27, 2012 at 11:27 pm

              actually, we were brutally honest with him and he appologized for being so dumb on this one…lol.
              Didn’t know aries had hard time listening, learned somethng new today…lol. I can’t say I’m a fan of therapy, but I suppose it can help some people. I’m glad you are taking the “organic” route and treating it on your own. What makes you think you need therapy anyway?
              I like your approach of going all-in, if he passes all your requirements, its more efficient that way. Infact, its exactly how I married my wife. I told her I was going to marry her on my 2nd date, and officially proposed to her on our 3rd date…lol. Stick to what you are comfortable with. I still think you should try to hook up with one of your friends, you seem to have very good male friends :)

              • July 27, 2012 at 11:44 pm

                Aries are stubborn, impatient, impulsive and born to be leaders, so it is very hard for me to take directions!
                I don’t think I need it, I just think it can be benificial talking about your problems with somebody else (my problems: forgetting about Ex-done!! and addiction to sugar and bread- working on it)
                Exactly how I feel, if I know what I want then why wait?
                But then my Friend reminds me that perhaps I am just jumping into a relationship because I am lonely. Therapy could help to distinguish each feeling – I guess…
                (for the record I think I am alone, but not lonely! But would be nice to have a partner to do stuff with!)
                I would try to hook up with one, but he lives too far and he is not ready!! :(

                • July 28, 2012 at 12:02 am

                  omg, please tell me you did not put that first paragraph in your dating bio, it makes it sound like you might be a loose cannon…lol.
                  You definitely don’t need it, you seem perfectly fine to me, and you already know what your problems are. I think your therapy money will go to better use for your next exotic getaway, just not to Aruba, okay? lol
                  Having a life partner is pretty nice, but I’m sure you also know it can be a pain in the ass, too. The fact that you are an active person should give you a pretty big advantage over other “homebody” type. Is it that tough to meet someone through your activity groups?
                  Definitely keep your finger around the trigger and be prepared to pull it when the right one comes by. If you don’t snatch him first, somebody else will :)

                  • July 28, 2012 at 9:07 am

                    I shouldn’t have?? lol
                    I am indeed as close to perfect as they come!
                    I am investing my therapy money in Pilates sessions, tennis lessons and skiing trips!
                    I have been meeting people in tennis and will meet a lot people when we go on our first trip – I joined a skiing club.
                    I am ready to act!!! lol
                    Have a great weekend!!

                    • July 28, 2012 at 10:49 am

                      Really….therapist make money off of people like you? I think its a scam that somehow they convince a normal person to think they have problems…lol. Everything I’ve read so far, you are doing great! Heck yeah, spend your money on something more rewarding :)

                    • July 28, 2012 at 4:22 pm

                      I agree!! many tennis matches and skiing trips in my future!! :)

                    • July 28, 2012 at 5:28 pm

                      Sweet!! future is looking bright already :)
                      oh my goodness that line just triggered another memory from 80s music..lol

  3. purpleowltree1234
    July 27, 2012 at 4:49 pm

    Oh no! He is doomed. Are there any relationship therapists out there who can teach him some boundaries? I feel sorry for him! How did he make it to 40 like this? And dating books he could read/ being an engineer/scientist he might take to written word better. Oh my goodness. It *was* a good try on your part though. And I like that you wrote doen his home number. ;)
    You didn’t think the teacher was actually trying to pick up *you*? After all, you would’ve passed the looks and smell test. Besides, she targetted you by sitting next to you and talking to you.
    I love how you buddies support each other. So cool! :) But yah, Big Ben’s probably best to try swimming alone now.
    Rach.

    • July 27, 2012 at 5:22 pm

      Hey Rach, thanks for stopping by :)
      Relationship therapist for Ben? hmmm, he has us :) We are fully committed to supporting him, but we are done with introductions and stuff.
      How did he make it this far? rofl…Gonna answer that with a question, “How did YOU make it this far?” :)
      Ben is terrible with words, but he is a an absolute brilliant electrical engineer.
      I see you were impressed with my choice to write down his home number…lol. Would you expect anything less from me? lol.
      I don’t think she was looking to picking me up, I do wear my wedding band very proudly :) I actually do get asked good amount of questions from strangers. I think it is because I look harmless and I wear glasses. I think people in general tend to go up to people with glasses for directions, questions, and stuff. I probably looked like the lone sage in that cesspool of DMV…lol. Its also not that hard to standout in a place like DMV.
      Oh yeah, we need to stick together, its an ocean out there…lol. I think his mom may be one of the problems. He is always calling her….

  4. purpleowltree1234
    July 27, 2012 at 5:31 pm

    Yay for glasses! :) So funny, I never thought of them as trust displays, but I suppose they are. :)
    Him always calling his mom, and being a virgin… he’s still attached to her! Like in a deep subconscious way. Ick! Wow. No *wonder* he’s still a virgin. Someone cut the cord! WHile he’s so tied to her he won’t be able to tie himself to any other woman in a healthy relationship. Just my take anyway.
    Gld you wear your wedding band with pride. :) You’re right- people must come up to you because you exude safety. :)
    How did WE make it this far? Good question! I often wonder.
    Rach.

    • July 27, 2012 at 10:41 pm

      You are correct in all your assumptions, especially the need to cut the cord from his mom..lol. You can’t go wrong when you seek help from a man wearing glasses :) I really like your comment of, “exude safety” :)
      It will take team of people to figure out how you got this far…lol. But lets hope those same team of people can get you to 100 years old! :)

      • July 28, 2012 at 1:20 am

        You even exude safety online, and I had no idea you wore glasses. It’s your absolute *love* of your wife and your dedication to providing for your sons and giving the an awesome role model, that seems to frame you in such a light here, I think. Besides, you’re not seeking to pick up online, that is obvious and makes the ladies feel *very* safe. :) You are awesome Chris.
        Rach.

        • July 28, 2012 at 1:30 am

          Rach, that comment kicked ass!! I do try to be a good moderator and I wouldn’t say anything I wouldn’t say in person :)
          Thanks for the awesome comment from an awesome commenter, in qty and quality :) You are one of the main hamsters thats keeping my blog wheel rolling :)

  5. July 27, 2012 at 8:03 pm

    Wow. Sounds like Ben is a hot mess. Poor guy. You tried, though, you’re a good friend.

    • July 27, 2012 at 10:50 pm

      a hot mess?? rofl…I guess…he is a pretty good looking guy…lol I think we all want to see him succeed because we feel like we could have been big Ben in another dimension :)

  6. July 29, 2012 at 1:15 am

    Some people are meant to be alone and I hate to say it but he has no social graces at all. Like the sick puppy we are not supposed to feel sympathy for and take home, we should not force loner types into the social arena as it has disasterous consequences :)

    • July 29, 2012 at 2:49 pm

      omg, you have no idea what thoughts are transpiring in my brain right now…lol. Love it when you just “Lay down the law”!! Its so furious :)

      • July 30, 2012 at 10:31 pm

        Been there done that, thought I could fix them or show them the way but it’s not worth it as people do not generally change. Learned the hard way my friend!

        • July 30, 2012 at 10:37 pm

          nope, you certainly don’t mess around like that…lol. I do wonder what it would be like if two of you sat across each other in a fictional date..lol.

          • July 30, 2012 at 10:39 pm

            Two of who?

            • July 30, 2012 at 10:40 pm

              The guy in the title :)

              • July 30, 2012 at 10:50 pm

                Gawd, no way lol If he insulted me I’d have been out of there!

                • July 30, 2012 at 10:55 pm

                  I will personally sabotage his science project at work if he pulled another dum-dum…lol

                  • July 30, 2012 at 10:58 pm

                    He may need a professional ‘ )

  7. July 30, 2012 at 10:53 pm

    Just read your comment on the mother thing-that is a deep rooted dysfunction. When one sees women as their mother, they do not try to have sex with them…hence the self-sabatoge!

    • July 30, 2012 at 11:00 pm

      omg, are you serious? so he is going to be just frustrated like that? that is really aweful, but your theory makes a lot of sense.

      • July 30, 2012 at 11:04 pm

        You need professional intervention and not from a therapist!

        • July 30, 2012 at 11:11 pm

          oh my goodness, I really hope & pray that is not the case. How can otherwise perfect guy come down with issues like this? just not right…

  8. August 2, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    Oh my gosh, I cannot tell you how hilarious this post was. And I loved your ending with his four negatives, which for any other guy, would all be positives! :)

    • August 2, 2012 at 7:59 pm

      With a lunch group like mine, I can probably start my own tv show…lol. We would put Seinfeld to shame…lol
      I’m happy about all the great comments I got out of this. We are definitely going to work on his relationship with his mother.
      His 4 negatives are pretty funny, but, heck, thats what he doesn’t want in a wife….lol

  9. August 5, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    Hey this is an interesting topic. Way to go in the interactive department. Quite a gift! :)

    • August 5, 2012 at 4:07 pm

      I pride in 100% customer satisfaction rating…lol
      I do have more fun interacting than writing stories :)

      • August 5, 2012 at 4:13 pm

        Yes you do resemble that comment! :)

  10. August 7, 2012 at 10:52 am

    Wait…he wants a virgin who doesn’t act like a virgin but he doesn’t like cleavage? Tell Mr. Ben to call me so that I can explain a thing or two to him about contradictions lol

    I think Ben needs therapy at this point. I think he is so worked up over wanting sex but denying himself sex and it is messing with his ability to be open to women who are probably perfect matches for him. He wants it all, but doesn’t want any of it at the same time and this isn’t working for him (hence anti-depressants). I’d love to say, throw caution to the wind and just get laid already, but then he waited all this time and for what if having sex makes his anxiety even worse? He is 40 and his first time having sex is going to be horrible. It’s going to be the longest 30 seconds of his life until he becomes more experienced and is able to hold it in so to speak.

    But then again, having sex and learning to love it for the pleasure could also be good for him and help him RELAX.

    There are a few ways this could end up depending on if he continues to hold out or not, but it seems like at this point he is holding out simply because he has waited for so long. I’m worried he will rush to marry the first person who agrees and actually makes it to the alter only to find out within a year what a horrible match she was for him because he was so blinded by the prospect of finally feeling a vagina. That would just be awful… no one wants that.

    • August 7, 2012 at 11:24 am

      lol, you sound exactly like my other buddy, Larry…hahaha. Ben is a walking breathing hormones in conflict, its no wonder he has to be on anti-depressant :(
      My friends and I are against the idea of him seeing a therapy, because isn’t that admitting you have a serious problem? We feel all his problems will go away once he loses the viginity and once he cuts the cord from his mother. If that doesn’t work then it will be therapy :(
      lol @ longest 30 seconds of his life. No, I mean ROFL!! ..oh my goodness Rachel, you blew the roof off with that one…lol. Ben is on his own in that department.
      He absolutely feels there is tremendous value in holding out this long. but sadly, nobody else seems to think so. He is definitely driving himself crazy over that one.
      He was actually engaged last year but it fell apart once he realized she was not the right one. She was a terrible machup for him.

      • August 7, 2012 at 12:39 pm

        It’s tough to say. I mean I agree with you that if he just jumped in and had sex and realized how much fun it is and how enjoyable it is it would probably help him a bit. There is just the risk that instead he resents you guys for pushing him to do it because he feels guilty for breaking down on something that he clearly feels extremely strong about. I think it is completely sweet that he wants to wait. I mean…when I was 16 I wanted to wait for “the one” also and only sleep with one guy. Ha! That lasted until I was 17! Caution to the wiiiiind!!! But I don’t look down on anyone who wants to wait.

        His problem is he wants to get it over with and wait at the same time.Can’t have it both ways buddy. His best bet might be a single woman who is a good friend introducing him to sex. Friends with benefits! The sex wouldn’t be empty emotionally and she would be patient because she knows what she is getting into.

        • August 7, 2012 at 2:02 pm

          well, he has/had a nurse friend that was kind of like that. I don’t think she is allowed in his house anymore…lol.

  11. August 7, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    Omg, just get him a hooker and lock them in a room. LOL.

    • August 7, 2012 at 3:17 pm

      lol, boy, you came out of nowhere with that one…hahaha. The trick is to get the end result accomplished in a tasteful & legal manner.

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