40 year old virgin (part 2)
Not going into details about Big Ben on this one because it’s been done in part 1 of the story here,
I got into a pretty good conversation with a fellow cool blogger and we ended up talking about Big Ben. Yes, he still is a virgin; just want to get that out of the way first. My other buddies and I have done a lot since my last post, to get him more prepared for the real world and real expectations from normal women. For example, our biggest task is to convince Ben to lose his virginity. It is becoming clearer that it’s a liability/red flag and not an asset. Some may say it’s downright creepy rather than something admirable, for a man of his age. At least we convinced him not to say anything about his virginity when he is out on a date, so we are making some progress.
That’s a quick update on his life, now let’s get to his most recent incident where friends tried to help, but it ended up causing nothing but grief and stress for everybody
It was a lovely day, and best of all, it was lunch time! I needed to go to the DMV (department of motor vehicles), so we decided to eat at a noodle bowl restaurant that was directly across the DMV. It’s a shitty DMV and it’s always annoying to find a good clean seat to sit on. It seems to be a cesspool of coughing/sneezing people, bad B.O., greasy hair, etc… I finally find a good seat to sit on and I’m minding my own business waiting for my number to come up. I didn’t have to wait long before somebody decides to sit RIGHT FREAKIN next to me!! Big Ben actually does this to lone woman, he and I had a pretty lively argument about it. Anyway, back to DMV. I guess I lucked out because this person that sat next to me was clean, healthy, well groomed, and passed the smell test. So back to minding my own business when all of a sudden, she starts talking to me. First line out of her mouth, “<sigh>…..I feel so lonely…” At this point I’m trying to pretend I didn’t hear her, and praying she doesn’t start sobbing. She then follows up with, “do you know of any good man, sir?” Adding a “sir” in the end was a good thing, because I do like friendly respectful people. We start talking about her current situation and her ex-boyfriend that treated her like crap(surprise, surprise..). Just when I thought I was done talking to her, she still follows up with, do you know of any good man? Right then, I knew instantly what this was all about! Of course, it was meant to be! I told her to hold that thought while I pulled out my cell phone to start texting a very special friend of mine, Big Ben! Texting went something like this:
Me: still single?
Me: want a date?
Ben: yeah, what is she like?
Me: well, she is not a doctor, nurse, or a lawyer. I think she is an English teacher.
Ben: is she good looking?
Me: she isn’t ugly
Ben: K, when does she want to go out?
Me: Now! Go do something about your uni-brow, we’ll be there in 15min
So it was turning out to be a special day. From everything I can tell, she seemed like a good fit for Ben. They instantly hit it off. They were laughing, they were loud, and it was good to see Ben acting so lively. Ben was in total control of the conversation and he was really worked up…lol. The momentum was strong and he actually asked her out on a date, BUT….
He freakin drags us into it! What the hell was he thinking? He goes on and on about kayaking, tells her there is an extra kayak for her to use, and tells her we’ll ALL be there and how awesome it will be. What the hell is he talking about???!!! I barely have time to do anything on a weekend and I’m certainly not spending my free time with Ben, especially when my wife is complaining I don’t do enough with the family, and Ben knows this. Unfortunately for Ben, rest of us is married with kids!! Did he forget this important fact?
Sadly, Ben did not stop with the kayak date invitation He gets this bright idea to exchange everybody’s phone number…WHAT THE HELL???!!! It was such an awkward situation where Ben is volunteering all this sensitive information. Everybody, except for Ben, knew this was weird but we all ended up putting our phone number down on a piece of napkin anyway
I found out two things from this situation. 1. Turns out I’m actually smarter than these average bears, that I call friends, because I wrote down Ben’s home number…lol. 2. Ben can be a freakin idiot sometimes.
For next couple of days, everybody was nervous she would call. Larry took it very hard, he was so nervous that he didn’t sleep for these several days. He was so scared the teacher would call and his wife would find out it was a woman. This is probably every husband’s nightmare, a stupid misunderstanding that leads to accusation :( I know Larry is a good man, but he can be pretty dramatic in some situations. By the 3rd day of no sleep, Larry actually did something that was drastic…lol. He called up the teacher and told her to delete and forget his phone number. As funny as that may sound, Larry slept like a baby that night…lol
Soooo, let’s see, who else was nervous about the prospect of getting a phone call from this teacher. Answer, Mr. Big mouth himself, Mr. Big Ben. He was beyond nervous and was in total panic! He was panicking because he committed to something that he wasn’t comfortable doing. No, he is not afraid of Kayaking, he was afraid of being involved with the teacher!
We got together to discuss Ben’s problem and it was more perplexing than calculating a 6×6 mathematical matrix with pen and paper. This was Ben’s explanation why he didn’t want to be with her:
- She had a small tattoo (fyi: it was NOT a “ tramp stamp” in the lower back)
- Her cleavage was showing
- Didn’t like the idea of dating a stray from DMV
- And last but not least, he said his mother wouldn’t approve.
I’m starting to lose hope for Ben because I don’t think it’s possible to work around his boundary conditions. Grown man needing mother’s approval to date?…<sigh>
Ben also did something drastic once sleep deprivation became unbearable. He, too, called the teacher and said this, and I’m quoting this EXACTLY, “I cannot have you in my circle of friends”
I guarantee this teacher will probably never want to date an engineer or a scientist for as long as she is alive.
I don’t go to that specific DMV anymore, because I have a phobia to an angry or emotional woman; I hope I never run into that teacher. I also do pray she is doing well, and I feel terrible for the grief I may have caused. So I do have a lesson learned from this. BIG BEN IS ON HIS OWN.